Recently a friend of mine told me of an experience she had with someone she met online. First of all, this was her second choice. After her first choice didn’t work out, she went for the backup.
Both my friend and second choice will remain nameless for obvious reasons. Second choice and my girlfriend dated for a few weeks. Things seemed to be going well; he was consistent with his texts and reaching out, likeable by her friends and family, seemed like a decent guy, if you overlooked the fact that he never took her “out”, he’d come over to her place.
When I met him I did point out that he looked like a big old “manganzon”. For those Dominicans out there “manganzon” is like a big ole oversized baby, kind of like a doofus, sort of (and she agreed but we HAD a man!). I rooted them on, because her finding someone to date, was like US finding someone to date. I was excited for us!
Even though there were some early warning signs, like #1 He never made it on time to actually take her out (work schedule) and #2 He never accepted her offers to go visit him (honey, it’s too far, I’ll come to you). (We are so estupidas sometimes). But we decided to hold off on judgement, because you just never know!!! You like how I said “we” as if “we” were both dating him? LOL!!!.
After a couple of weekends spent together, she invited him to spend a weekend over with her. While playing board games they listened to music on Mr. Second Choice’s phone’s Bluetooth. After one too many shots and dancing he went to the bedroom. At some point a telephone rang, everyone reached for their phone. Except it wasn’t any of theirs. Whose phone was ringing, as they all looked at each other pondering? Yup! you guessed it, it was Mr. Second Choice’s phone ringing which was STILL hooked up to the bluetooth.
The room went silent as they listened to what should have been a private voicemail message. A female wishing him a wonderful stay with his family in Boston. Boston! Um, he was in Jersey.
Anyway, as you can imagine everyone stared stunned and mouth wide open as my friend raced up the steps to confront him.
I’ll save you all the gritty details except to say he awkwardly walked out of the house with both his bags AND tail between his legs.
The point of this blog is not to put my friend’s business out there (she knows about this – I wonder if I should have had her sign a waiver, hmmm), but to address what I am see as a growing EPIDEMIC among my single friends and myself.
Why are we constantly ignoring the warning signs when we start dating someone? Why are we constantly settling for less? Are we so desperate to be in a relationship that we accept behaviors that from the get-go we know we don’t really like? Why is it that we settle for someone who is so-so rather than being single and waiting for someone who is AMAZING? Don’t get me wrong! I have been soooo guilty of this myself-over and over.
Here is a list of all the excuses we make and we need to stop now!
- Not much chemistry – He’s not that bad or I’m too picky.
- He disappears for a day or two or three -He must be busy or working or with his kids, that’s why I haven’t heard from him. Or maybe he lost my number or phone is lost. (Insert rolling my eyes)
- He cancels dates last minute – Well at least he called/texted.
- The flip side is he wants to see you last minute – He thought of me! (Not! It means all the others were unavailable.)
- He doesn’t open doors or pull out chairs – My fault, I’m an independent woman.
- This is my favorite – he uses What’sApp not because it’s untraceable or he’s cheating, but it’s better for media and videos.
OMG! The list is endless. But I am getting angry at my own stupidity. Ladies! Stop it!
There is nothing wrong with knowing exactly what you want. Especially if you have already been married. We know what attracts us, we know what we will and won’t put up with.
Ugh! Can we please stop making excuses for these men who clearly are not what you’re looking for. You can only attract what you desire if you put that out into the Universe and open yourself up to it.
Write down what type of mate you are looking for. What he looks like. What are the top qualities that are must haves and those that are negotiable, like good hygiene versus perfectly veneered, pearly whites or hardworking versus a millionaire.
Write it down!!! Read it every day. Make room for that person in your life by closing the doors to those that are absolute NOTS. Stop settling for less than you want and deserve just because you don’t want to be alone. Love your own company and wait. Wait. The universe will deliver.