Hi My loves! It has been so long since I’ve been on here. But I’m back to school and also transitioning to a new job, redecorating apartment. Anywayssssss, I have been thinking a lot about this idea of self-sabotaging behavior.
As much as I haven’t wanted to see it, even after years of therapy I have come to the conclusion that I am a professional self-sabotager – AND I need more therapy!!!! LOL. Someone call the doctor!!!
I hear my friends complain all the time (and I chime in) about a perfectly great job or relationship. About Not making enough money, etc. But they complain almost with relish! This is how the online dictionary defines self-sabotage
Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems and interferes with long-standing goals. The most common self-sabotaging behaviors are procrastination, self-medication with drugs or alcohol, comfort eating, and forms of self-injury such as cutting.
This is concise and to the point, however, we all know there are endless ways in which we self-sabotage. We self-sabotage our relationships, our jobs, our diets, our future goals. Why???
I can come up with several reasons for each of these, but I am going to focus on relationships for now. Way more fun! How many times have you heard people make some of the following statements when it comes to dating or relationships?-
- I am meant to be alone.
- I don’t mind ending up alone.
- Who wants to put up with someone else’s bad habits.
- I am too old for this shit.
- I am just waiting for red flags.
- I’ve already been married and divorced, who wants to go through that shit again.
- There are no good men or women out there.
These are only a few of the comments I hear from my girlfriends and that I myself have let slip through these lips.
Self-sabotaging our relationships is how we protect ourselves and our hearts. When my last relationship ended, I told myself I would NEVER get serious about anyone again. I would live with them, much less get married! I would never give someone that much power over my emotions. NEVER!
I wrapped myself up quite tightly in my circle of friends, family, shopping, eating, drinking, the gym, and a part-time job. I had no time TO date, let alone get serious. This was exactly how I liked it.
When I did date, I subconsciously or consciously (depends on the day) chose unavailable men who were in complicated situations. This did two things for me. It validated the idea that there are no good men or women out there. The minute I felt anyone getting close, or wanting more, I was like BOY BYE!
Why do we self-sabotage??? For many reasons.
We self-sabotage because we feel unworthy and undeserving of all wonderful things, whether it’s a great job, relationship or financial abundance.
If we feel unworthy how can we open ourselves up to believing that we are good enough to receive a great partner. We believe if we let someone get too close, they will see all our glorious imperfections and run the other way. And guess what? They may. But that only means he or she wasn’t the one. That you weren’t compatible, not that you weren’t worthy.
We self sabotage because we are afraid of being dumped.
If there is one thing we can’t deal with is rejection. We take someone’s rejection so personal. Could it be possible that the other person just wasn’t ready for a relationship? Or that perhaps they just had their own stuff they were dealing with?
When someone rejects us it doesn’t mean we are unlovable, it just means, they weren’t ready to love anyone and that perhaps they felt unworthy themselves.
We self sabotage because we like drama!! This is huge.
When we are not fulfilled with our lives, maybe a boring job, or no social life, we like to create drama.
Sometimes we just want a little excitement or we want to push buttons to try to get assurance or confirmation that he or she is really into us.
Here’s a great scenario and I am sooooo guilty of this (I have to laugh..LOL)
Me: (I text him): Hey.
(5 minutes later)
Me: You ok?
Me: (Fuck this shit! Then I proceed to type some of these or all of these depending on the level of self sabotaging I am going for) You know what? I am not into playing games. If you want to play games go right ahead. But I am too old for that shit. I need consistency. Go play with your little bimbos. Don’t ever text me again.
Him: I was at a funeral.
Me: (cricket, cricket, cricket)
Now tell me who hasn’t done this ↑? More than once? Twice? Repeatedly? We are all guilty of this.
Right away our brain goes into defensive mode. He’s probably with someone else. Which means he’s not into me. Which means, I knew it. Which means, let me cut him off before he cuts me off. Sheesh! I would dump me too after one of those scenarios.
We self–sabotage because in todays age of technology IT IS SO MUCH easier to do. Cell phones and social media support and enhance our self sabotaging ways.
We say and post things on social media and through texting that we probably would never say face to face. It’s quick, it’s instant and it’s cowardly.
How do we stop this behavior?
These are only suggestions understanding that these are practices that with repeated implementation will be become habits!
- Love and accept yourself. Just as you are. With all your flaws and imperfections love yourself, because if you don’t love yourself, how can anyone else?
- Remind yourself every day that you are worthy and that it‘s okay to mess up. We all do we just have to recognize the mistake and do better next time. Grow from the mistake.
- Know that there is enough of everything to go around. Enough good men and women who want loving healthy relationships, enough money to give us financial security, enough great jobs so we can find THE ONE!
- And finally, THIS IS SO IMPORTANT, give yourself a 10 minute time out before you react or say things that you will probably regret. I find that after 10 minutes I am no longer upset about whatever assumptions I made up in my head about why someone is not returning my text. Put the phone away and take a nap or read a magazine, or even my blog. LOL. Then go back and construct a kinder softer message, kind of like, “Hey not sure where you are, but I hope all is good. Text me when you can.”
Listen, in theory this all sounds so easy. It may strike a nerve for some and for others give rise to a chuckle, but the reality is that we all deserve to be in a loving, healthy relationship if that’s what we really desire. And when one falls apart, it means nothing more than, it wasn’t time. Your time will come. Our time will come.
Thanks for stopping by my loves! Happy Friday!