Oh boy, sometimes you really do have to be careful what you wish for. It’s like people who want to be in a relationship and then get it and then it’s like ugh!? But why?
Or you want a baby and then you get one and it’s like “WTF was I thinking? This is a lot of work”.
Or a “dream” job that turns out to be a complete nightmare because of an asshole boss.
Listen, I am not saying you shouldn’t wish or desire things, just be careful and be sure that YOU really want what you’re wishing for. Make sure it isn’t for stupid reasons like all your friends are in relationships, or everyone is having a baby, or look at that influencer’s life seems great and easy, when in reality that’s just social media. You get my point right?
Anyway, a friend of a friend of a friend shared a story about a couple. I’m going to change names (actually this happened so long ago, I really don’t remember the participants’ names, so I’ll make them up). Her name is Maria and his name is John. Simple.
DISCLAIMER: This is a friend of a friend of a friend, and I heard this story last summer and jotted it down as a possible blog but other blogs came before. With that said, some of it may be embellished or made up from memory but you guys will get it. The story itself is not the point though.
Anyway, John and Maria have been married for a while, have kids, go to work, have friends and family, vacations, etc.
Maria was feeling a little bored with the relationship. You know the usual humdrum that happens when the passion fades and people have to grow up and adult as a couple. Handle a home, bills, work, etc.
Maria broached the conversation with John a few times. They tried to figure out different ways to spice things up. She was sure John must be suffering the same ailment. From what I gathered I don’t think he was at this point, but her proposition must have sparked something in him.
She proposed that they try a sort of open relationship, they could both see/sleep with others, the only rule being they didn’t let it intrude in their home and family life. So don’t be seen out in public with the other person, set boundaries for communicating, use protection.
Well, John was completely offended and taken off guard and was like “ABSOLUTELY, NO WAY, NO HOW!” They had a couple more conversations trying to negotiate, but John was not for it.
Instead what John did some time later was that he took it upon himself and embarked on an affair and he got caught. And she was NOT happy about it. At all! Threatened separation, divorce, etc.
Now, now!! You all are thinking well she wanted them to see others, right? At least it’s what ran through my mind. Why is she so upset? I also wondered why did he go and cheat when the when the idea of an open relationship was so off the table for him?
Well, I have my thoughts. Selfishness and ego. Men are selfish creatures. Men also have HUGE egos. I am thinking that when Maria approached him with the idea of an open relationship, his initial thoughts went something like:
“Why? Am I not enough?”
“What’s wrong with me” “Why do you need another man?”
“Am I not good enough in bed?
(And I could be wrong, as I am not a man-so men correct me please.)
Anyway, Maria was so offended, mortified, hurt, broken. She demanded that they go to therapy to rebuild the trust and relationship.
Wait, wait, wait, but wasn’t it Maria who approached John with the idea initially? Why was she now so indignant and repulsed by what John did when this was what she wanted?
Just playing devil’s advocate here.
As a woman, I completely KNOW why she was so upset.
He didn’t agree to it initially. He was adamant about not wanting to share. His love for her was so great, according to him, that he was afraid an open relationship would open them up to issues of mistrust.
But then he went and cheated.
What are your thoughts? Is Maria right in her reaction? What about John? Why do you guys think he cheated when he was so against the idea of an open relationship?
How about this question: Is monogamy sensible? Reasonable? Attainable? Well we know it’s attainable but can anyone be monogamous for years and years and years and still feel passion and excitement for their partner?
I have many thoughts about monogamy we can talk about in another post, but I will say this like most things in life relationships take work, daily, consistent, present work. And couples need to understand that needs change, during your 20s, your 30s and so on.
To believe that what satisfied you in your 20s, could satisfy you in your 30s or 40s is simple minded. Now is this to say you should cheat? That is not what I am saying.
I think every relationship is unique and different and can only be negotiated and or navigated by the people involved. With that said couples at the very least need to engage in conversations about their needs and wants and expectations on a consistent basis.
Can we maybe step back and think what might have happened instead, had John been willing and open to renegotiate the marriage? Maybe not an open relationship but perhaps giving Maria an alternative. Rather than shutting down to the idea completely and shutting down the conversation.
I don’t know what happened to John and Maria, but what happened got me thinking. It got me thinking about relationships, how to sustain them, and stay in passion.
But all that aside, be careful what you wish for, because the very thing you want can be the thing that bites you in the butt!
Thanks for stopping by!