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A Letter To All Cheaters

Hi My Loves! Happy Fall Equinox or whatever!  It has been some time since I’ve been here but I was just really trying to enjoy the last days of summer.  Already missing summer even though it seems that Mother Nature is loving me and giving me a little bit more.

The end of my #summerbabe summer 2019

So I’ve been thinking about cheating.  Those who cheat and those who are cheated on.  And I am not talking about a school exam.  Relationships folks! Relationships!

Disclaimer: Don’t automatically assume this is a male bashing session.  It’s not.  We all know men are not the only ones who cheat, even though it seems they are the ones who get caught the most often (dumbasses) and so therefore it seems they are the ones who cheat the most, but who knows.  I’d have to gather some data on that one.  At the end of the day we are all capable of cheating.

I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum- cheater (not my proudest moment) and cheatee (I made this word up and for the purposes of this blog the cheatee is the person being cheated on.) And I guess the person who you cheated with we will just call…. the home wrecker? IDK).  Anyway, after a most recent experience coupled with my journaling, self-reflecting and conversations with others I have really been mentally trying to dissect and process cheating and its effects on those involved.

And so you guys remember my Letter To My Younger Self? Well I’ve decided to write a letter to cheaters everywhere in the hopes that they can receive some clarity on the damage that is left behind when the cheating dust settles.  Here goes:

Dear Cheater,

I am not sure what you were thinking of the moment you made the conscious decision to cheat.  And yes it was a conscious decision.  Most cheaters will in their apology say things like “I’m sorry I made a mistake.” The reality is that cheating is cheatingNOT a mistake.  It is a conscious decision.  There are those 2.5 seconds right before you cross that line when you could have said “No!!!”  Like “Say no to drugs” well “Say no to pussy!” Especially the one that isn’t yours.

I have been trying to understand why you decided to step out on your relationship in this way.  I mean I know people cheat for a slew of reasons: stress at home or work, boredom, not enough sex, lack of spontaneity or just a basic disconnect in the relationship because nobody is addressing it.  And of course I also know Dear Cheater that you just may be one of those people who likes to cheat. And that’s a whole other blog.

An affair feels exciting, stimulating, stirring,  breathtaking!!! It boosts peoples’ self esteem and strokes the ego.   Being with someone new, someone you’re not fighting with, or dealing with the kids with, or paying bills with or just dealing with plain old life issues with is so much better than the reality of adulting.

I know an affair makes people feel young, and beautiful and sexy and in your quest to charm and entice you dress up, wear cologne/perfume, send sexy messages, you court.  It’s fucking exhilarating!!! Shit. I know. (BTW but did it ever occur to you to try that with your significant other BEFORE resorting to cheating??! Just a thought)

But Dear Cheater, let me tell you all the other things it can be and usually becomes and let me give you a little insight into what it does to the cheatee.

When an affair comes to light the ugly in people emerges.  The crazy too! Drama follows.  People’s business is put out there. Threats and humiliation. Not so pretty anymore huh? Tears and fights, lengthy texts or calls spewing every hateful word that comes to mind because as humans thats what we do when we are hurt.  We want to hurt others back.  In the case of an affair nobody is spared, not you,  not the cheatee and not the home wrecker because as much as I hate to say it they feel the effects too.

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Dr. Robert Huizenga

The moment the  cheatee suspects or discovers the infidelity, this tiny seed is planted in their gut.  This seed of so many emotions.  Too many to list. The first is embarrassment and/or shame.  Yeah! Can you believe that shit?  You cheated but the cheatee feels the shame and just thinks of things like “What am I going to say to people when they ask for him or her? “What did I do wrong?”

There is also lots of anger in this initial phase. Like the cheatee will threaten everything from burning the cheaters clothes, slashing tires, physically hurting them.  (THIS IS JUST A BLOG I WOULD NOT TRY ANY OF THIS AT HOME!)

The second emotion is disbelief.  Like “WOW!” No way.  There has to be a mistake! He or she would NEVER do that!   The cheatee will spend days and nights replaying every single exchange in the relationship to figure out when, how, why?  Why becomes the single most important question. They try to look for clues or signs to see if they missed something.  This will keep them from eating, sleeping, and/or wanting to be around others.

Then comes the obsessive stage or investigative as I’d rather call it.  LOL !!! And I don’t care if your male or female all cheatees do this to some extent.  The cheatee will NOT stop until they know EVERYTHING.  Now quick insert- women are way better at this then men!  Just saying. When a woman sets her mind to find some shit out, you’d best believe she will!  In this phase they hurt so bad that you will surely not see any signs – like tears. It’s a weird thing.  I am thinking this is where the cheatee starts to process that yes it really did happen and the life they thought they were living or the future they envisioned …. wasn’t going to happen.

Soon after the hurt settles.  An ache.  More questioning.   This is probably around the time that the cheatee will find themselves crying out of nowhere.  They may be retelling the story and it evokes such strong emotions they may cry at any instant.  They will think about the intertwined friendships and families, the “place” that became yours and now what?  Maybe kids if they were involved too and having to explain to the kids that the “cheater” is no longer a part of the family – delicately of course because it’s not their fault.  This is the hardest and longest stage to process and grow through in case you didn’t know. cheating3.jpg

Eventually, the cheatee will maybe get over it, surpress it all and get on with their life and you the cheater will become a distant memory.  (Once in while and in very rare occasions a cheater and cheatee will work through things and after many, many years of rebuilding and work they may come out stronger.  May being the key word!!!

So Dear Cheater, the next time you are in a relationship in which you have made a commitment to be truthful, transparent, and loyal and you find yourself at a point of making that 2.5 split decision of cheating or not, remember the damage you are leaving behind lasts for far longer and run far deeper that those 2.5 seconds.

And in the end was it really worth it?

Love,

Cheatee

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Thank you for stopping by and reading.  If you’ve been cheated on it’s not your fault.  It was their shit and not yours. And if you have cheated, learn and grow, be better, be truthful, be transparent.

Remember to like, comment, share and sign up for notifications.

LolaUncorked♥

A letter to my younger self….

A letter to my younger self….

Hey Loves,

Happy Hump Day!  I really do hope you all are enjoying the amazing weather we have been having the last couple of weeks.  Even though people are never happy though right.

It’s too hot! It’s too cold! We’ve had too much snow!  We’ve had too much rain! not enough rain! Too humid! and on and on!  For me, I love it. Our summers are way too short as it is so I will take each and every hot, humid, mosquito ridden, dehydrated day with love and grace!

Anyway, I didn’t jump on here to talk about the weather. I came on because I recently watched Michelle Obama read her letter to her younger self  https://youtu.be/IgP7Ss2qlBE (if you haven’t watched please drop everything – After reading my blog of course and go watch).  Anyway, I was compelled to write one to myself. I thought it was such a great way to self reflect on my life up until now. A little anyways.

So today I decided to write a letter to my younger self, my 16 year old self. Not sure why I chose 16 except that I was going through a lot of emotional turmoil at the time (as most teens)- mostly self inflicted but turmoil none the less.

So…here goes.

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You – just turned 16! Couldn’t find a pic of me at 16 LOL This was closest.

Dear Jenny,

I am writing this letter to you because I am compelled to give you a little bit of insight into what your future holds up until now.  I know how much you have been fighting against, let’s say, “the ties that bind.”  Your mom, our mom, being a single immigrant Catholic mom raising three kids and caring for her mom in a foreign country is beset by what seems a most obsessive need to protect you.

Your dad will be MIA because of his struggles with addiction but eventually he gets it together.  I promise and you will adore him and he will adore you.

For a long time it will seem that you are not being allowed to live your life or allowed to do any of the things your friends are doing remember these two very important things:

  1. Most of your friends are probably embellishing (lying) about the things they are allowed to do (like go to movies, stay out late, have boyfriends).
  2. Your mom, our mom, was doing the best she could with what she knew at the time. Primarily trying to protect you.

At 16, you are a sophomore in high school.  You have not been able to participate in any extracurricular activities, you are not allowed to date, you can’t wear makeup, you can’t go to the movies or mall.

You went to one high school dance, because your best friend at the time and her mom begged your mom to let you go.  Your uncle walked you there and waited for you outside.  Embarrassing much?  After that you never asked again.

By your senior year you begged your mom to let you go to boarding school- a christian boarding school – because you followed your brother into a Christian faith.  Not because you were religious but because you were looking for a place of belonging AND a place away from home.

You will have your first crush who will break your heart and you will have your first fight.  BUT here in this place you do gain some sense of independence.

You are going to begin to express your teen angst through poetry.  You love it and it is an outlet though at times you may be a little dramatic.  Books will be a huge escape for you as you love to live in a fantasy world and this is about the time you begin to experience some depression and anxiety but those are words not familiar to an immigrant Dominican parent.

At 18, finally,  you will begin to rebel and try to spread your wings and your mother’s words to you after a few months is “I hope you got this out of your system.” Ha! If she only knew.

Not knowing much about dating and relationships you get your heart broken several times because you wear your heart on your sleeves. But these too shall pass.

By 23, you will get pregnant and get married and though it won’t work out, you chose wisely.  You chose a man who loved you to no end and he will give you two beautiful baby girls who he will parent and protect well.

Yes, you will experience a divorce and also a long period of dating, searching for love yet giving yourself to men who will only use you.  You will spend a lot of time looking for love and finding it very difficult to find. Often sending you into spirals of depression and sadness. Again not something you even knew how to discuss.

And then you find school. At 30 you will meet an employer who ‘believes in you’ and you will embark on, OMG, like 10 years of schooling.  Getting two masters and various certificates in education, all in the search of self worth and recognition.

You will struggle.  But baby girl, you will always, always figure things out because grow12
you are more resilient than you know.

Just when you think your heart can not be broken any worse, someone will come along who will smash your heart to smithereens. Smithereens I tell you!

And guess what? You will surpass that too! It will take some time, but you will. Because like I’ve said before you have built an arsenal of self protection that is hard to penetrate.  Some time a good thing, some times not;.

Men will find you difficult to love because of your wanderlust spirit.  They will want to love you and control you, but will not and can not understand you and what grow10drives you.

And that’s okay.  Not everyone is meant to be understood and you are too strong and intelligent and beautiful for many. Men say they want strong independent women, but often hate what they wish for.

The good news is that none of this will break you.  Each and every time you come out a little stronger, even if just for a little while.

The best part of you will be having two beautiful kids and later two even more beautiful grandchildren who will fill you with so much love and light that it makes the darkness so hard to get in, though it slips in at times.

You will become a professional in education and you will do well in it, until of course that restlessness finds you again.

You will start to narrow down your circle because you will finally begin to learn that its about quality not quantity.

And guess what- after all this- you make it to your 50s!!! Yay!

Your late 40s and 50s will be a time of renewal.  You will continue on your personal growth journey.  You will know yourself more and you will be closer to coming into your own.

Your resilience gets stronger and you will find that though you will continue to stumble and fail in relationships, parenting, finances, and your career- it will get easier to get back up and start and try again. Over and over again. growing3

That is life.  You, however, are not a quitter.  By far.

You will have a family who adores you, friends who value you, jobs which at times are fulfilling – getting you closer to your calling.

Always remember that you are worthy of everything  good in this world.  And things will get easier.

My advice to you is stick to your guns, stick to your goals, become more consistent and never settle.  Ever.

Your 50s will be off to a great start and things will only get better.

To you I say this keep going.  Keep getting to know yourself.  Keep evolving.  Keep trying.  Keep going. Keep growing.

Because at 50 the best is yet to come.  Believe that girl! Believe it with your heart and soul.

Know you are loved and valued.  I have high hopes for you and I am your BIGGEST cheerleader.

I can’t wait to see what the next 50 years brings for you!!!

Love always,

Your 50 year old self.

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You today!

Thank you for stopping by!  Remember to like, comment, share and maybe write a letter to your younger self as well!

LolaUncorked♥

 

 

 

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We have the power to create a positive life…

Hi, My Loves ∼

Happy Wednesday!

I’ve been wanting to jump on here to talk about a great conversation I had this weekend about positive energy and visualization and law of attraction and all those buzz words about creating a better life.

I read a lot of personal growth books and listen to so many podcasts.  Recently, I’ve been listening to Eckhart Tolle and Oprah dissect A New Earth chapter by chapter.  For those of you who are familiar with A New Earth, it’s exactly about that- creating a new spiritual earth through our thoughts and actions. But more importantly this idea of letting go of the ego and staying in the present.

Anyway, I was asked this weekend if I really believed in this idea of being positive and 300848-Once-You-Replace-Negative-Thoughts-With-Positive-Ones-You-ll-Start-Having-Positive-Resultscreating positive energy. and law of attraction.  And how all that works out for me in my life.

The first thing that I want to say and said this weekend is that any type of spiritual practice requires daily and intentional focus in order for it create change.  We are human beings and we are prone to falling off the wagon- often.  Many times we give up and we say that’s it, but really what we should be doing is resetting and hopping back on the wagon.

At the beginning of this year I made a commitment to keep getting back on the spiritual wagon no matter how many times I fell off or how long I stayed off.

And this is what I’ve noticed.

Typically the beginning of the year is always a hard time for me financially.  It’s after the holidays, a time I overspent.  Sometimes I am backed up in my bills so I am playing a lot of catch up until income tax time.  Then income tax refund comes and I can’t really enjoy the refund because I am still playing catch up.  I spend a lot of the new year stressed out and worried about money.

This year has been a very different experience.  I’ve been blessed and abundant in so many ways and I know it has a lot to do with staying positive and letting go of the things I can not control.

  1. Stress is useless.  Really.  Stress is created when we worry about the things we can NOT control. The past nor the future. Listen I am not saying you shouldn’t give a crap if your past due on bills or making ends meet.  Try this exercise the next time you open a bill that you are like “Shit, I can’t pay this.”
    • Sit looking at the bill.  You can’t pay it right? So then what?  Does stress help you pay it? Probably not.  Does money appear from anywhere the longer you look at it?  No.  If you go to bed crying, can you pay it? No.

   What if you shifted your focus from the bill to what you already have –  your                     health, your cute little grandson, a job, etc.?  How does that feel the moment you            start being grateful for what you have?  There should be a shift in your energy                  because now you are focused on what is, not what could have been or will be                    because at the end of the day we have no control over those things.

2. Second is that the only person that can control my mood is me.  How often have you heard someone say “Ugh, he just totally pissed me off.”  Why?  The reason you’re still pissed off over someone’s actions is because you can’t control it.  And the reality is who cares?  I mean, why do we give people so much power over our emotions?

Let it Go.
Let. It. Go.

One of my favorite quotes is “People do the best they can with what they know.”  When I have an interaction with someone that has the potential of putting me in a bad mood, I repeat that quote over and over again until it doesn’t even matter anymore.  Does this make sense?  I hope so.

3. Lastly, I am the only person that can set the tone for my day.  If I say  I am going to have a great day, I pretty much always do by just making that statement.  Really, it’s true.  Because once I make that statement I pretty subconsciously take steps to make it happen.  I dress nicer.  I might put on a bright lipstick.  I play happy music on the way to work.  I post positive quotes on my social media.  I greet people with a smile, kind word and make eye contact. I mean I could go and on.

So going a back to my conversation this weekend, yes I believe that we create our own positive energy and that we can attract it.  Our minds are so much more powerful than we think.

I believe that if we staying the present moment and focusing on what is right here right now, we change the shift in our attitudes and moods.  Take every opportunity you can to give thank, for every little thing good or bad in your life. Because it all matters and serves a purpose.

Most importantly, remember it’s not how many times you start or try, it’s that you keep on that counts. Inspirational-Quotes-About-Being-Positive-And-Being-Negative

So with that all said, I challenge you today and for the rest of the week to get up each day, regardless of how terrible things may seem (because that’s an illusion) and commit to having a great day and being positive and grateful.  Then come in a week and tell me how it went.

See you soon!

LolaUncorked♥

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Oh! The good ole’ ‘toto’ powder…

Warning: This conversation occurred in a bar, while drinking, with two of the funniest people I know.

To my Latino friends and possibly other cultures out there (please share if so) how many of your moms, grandmas, aunts and maybe yourself use/d powder in the “crotch” area?  Like seriously, no judgement here. I promise.

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No! Don’t do it! LOL

I am cracking up just trying to get it out.

Anyway, I remember visiting my aunts’ houses and my mom’s best friend’s house and finding this Maja Powder and Puff – always in one of two places – on top of the toilet tank or in the bedroom on a cute mirrored tray.

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I know you’ve seen the famous Maja Myrurgia Powder Puff in the bathroom!

These ladies used powder puffs on their coochies!  I wonder how many people knew that when they went in there and sneaked a powder puff refresher to the face. LOL!

I know as a kid, I probably did it once or twice, before I knew what it was really for.  The “toto” powder (toto = coochie in Spanish).

 

Anyway, the bigger question is “Why?”

Was soap and water not enough?

And let’s talk about the  sexual implications.  You know where this is going right?

Like I am going to get a little graphic here, but I am thinking about bae performing cunninglingus and coming up with a white beard! WTH?!?!?

Whose idea was this? Clearly, it was before the time when doctors figured out that our GGV-social-media-quotes-04vaginas ONLY need soap and water. If your coochie needs scented powder you may not be doing that great a job when bathing. My grandmother and ancestors were killing their PH balance with the “toto” powder.

I am also wondering- Were Dominicans the only one practicing this bizarre daily, sometimes several times a day, hygiene routine?  First shower, deodorant, a puff to the toto and then the face, OR vice versa.  I can’t.

I am thinking of like lint balls down there once the powder mixed with the natural juices.   And then when it dries up does it itch.  LMFAO!

I can’t.  This is it.  I have nothing else on this one.  I wanted to just write a little funny blog to lighten your midweek.

Happy hump day! But by all means if you’re still practicing and puffing your coochie with powder – STOP NOW! Please.

Thanks lovelies for stopping by.  Don’t forget to like, comment, share and sign up for email notifications so you don’t miss these endless streams of consciousness of mine.

LolaUncorked♥

*This one is for you Brown Squirrel! LOL!

PS/ I mean clearly my ancestors did the best they could with what they knew.  Today we have so much  access to information.  Some accurate, some not so, but go ahead and do your own research on the perils of using talcum on our vaginas as well as vaginal health and hygiene.   This one below was an interesting read, go check it out- it doesn’t seem to solidify that the use of powder is directly related to ovarian cancer, but there are room good arguments.

www./health.com/mind-body/can-using-baby-powder-down-there-really-cause-cancer

 

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Welcome Spring -Decluttering your home, body, and soul.

Hello My Loves∼ Can we talk about Mother Nature?!?!  It’s about time this weather started clearing up.  There is just something about the Spring that evokes feelings of rebirth, cleansing, and renewal.  It’s in that spirit that I decided to do a little spring cleaning of my home, body, and soul.

Of course I have tried to come up with some simple and inexpensive ways to do this because Spring also comes on the heels of winter (HOLIDAYS) and we know we are all a little financially challenged around this time. LOL!!!

I’m just going to share some of the things I’ve done so far for my home, body and soul for zero to little dollars to start that cleansing process.  I also feel that after the whole “new year, new me” shenanigans, this is probably around the time that people have hit a plateau or fallen off the wagon so this is a great way to reenergize and start over!

Home:

  1. A fresh coat of paint goes a long way.  I focused on my living room first since that’s the entry point.  What a difference it was to go from a stone color to a very pale gray.  I hunt for “oops” paint from Home Depot, so I was able to pick up two one-gallon cans for $9.00 each.  I did pay someone to paint.  However, painting is super therapeutic and a great weekend project if you want to do it yourself.
  2. Throw stuff out!  If you haven’t used it in the last 6 months (I know some people say a year), but really just donate it.  Declutter your closets and your drawers.  Throw out all those single pairs of socks – they are NEVER coming back from laundry hell!
  3. Purchase new linens for your bathroom and bedroom, new sheets, towels, shower curtain make small differences and brighten things up a bit.  If your towels are still good try to incorporate a second color – for example, my old towels were shades of gray, so I went and picked up a couple of white and blush pink towels on sale at Target.  I took my old towels and recycled them to clean up, mop, and for car.
  4. I had a lot of dark bronze home decor, towel rack, three tiered shelf in bathroom, small mirror to name a few.  Instead of chucking them I picked spray painted them a brushed gold and they look like completely new pieces.
  5. Go through your kitchen cabinets and linen closet.  Check for expiration dates, old sunscreen, those hotel samples and throw them out!

These are some simple things you can do to start the decluttering process in preparation for Spring which leads to Summer.  And I know sometimes it is so overwhelming.  If you’re anything like me I want to do it all at once, but I didn’t want to clutter my mind more, right?

So I made a list of all the things I want to do at home and I tackle large projects on the weekend and smaller ones during the week.  My bathroom is done.  Check it out!!  I love it and it probably cost me less than $75 bucks to revamp.  (I’ll blog about it later!)

I’ve done things in the rest of apartment but haven’t finished yet, tackling my room this weekend, then kitchen, and lastly my living room.!  It is such a great feeling walking into my brighter, cleaner more springier space!

OH! One more simple thing you can do at home – REARRANGE furniture.  You’d be surprised I switched a couple pieces up and all of a sudden I see the whole space in a new light!

The Body

Now let’s talk about decluttering your body, literally! LOL

Listen we are on the heels of the holidays, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s day.  And for me, also my 50th!  So the eating has been the worst.  So I decided to go on keto not too long ago, just to try and curb the carb and sugar cravings.

Of course I am not promoting Keto, but I am suggesting a change in diet as part of your physical spring cleaning….Try a one week detox or an egg fast (this is the big thing now).  Anything to get your body UN-stuck. Liquid cleanses are hard, but are great for cleansing those intestines and getting your digestive system moving.  The beginning of these are always challenging as your body goes through withdrawal making you feel sluggish, but the benefits at the end are great.

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Grabbed this at Kiehl’s. Great starter kit for $68.  The eye cream is everything!!

Other little things you can do are more self care, face sheet masks, hot baths with Epsom salt help to shed water, and body scrubs for some of those dead skin cells.  I’ve recently purchased some new products from Kiehls because I want to try some new face products  as it seems my previous ones wern’t giving me the results I wanted anymore.  Shampoos and conditioners are always a great place to start as well.

Once your home is decluttered, you need a happy invigorated body to enjoy it!!

The Soul

This is my favorite of course, because in order to enjoy all of the above, you have to get your soul right.  I find this especially important at this time of year.  It’s like coming out of hibernation after a long winter’s sleep.  I always have a variety of ways to do this.

The first thing I am doing is revamping my vision board.   See what has shifted in my life, what needs more focus, what I’ve checked off, how I’ve grown.  You can do this as a quiet Sunday project, get your materials, light some candles, meditate, reflect and visualize!  Or you can have a vision board party and bring that collective energy into the room!

Secondly, I’ve also committed to journaling more frequently, right after I meditate for a few minutes in the morning.  Many of us struggle with meditation.  I did for a long time, until I heard Eckart Tolle say that all meditating is, is paying attention to the breath.

One conscious breath in and out is a meditation.

Eckhart Tolle

When we pay attention to the breath we bring ourselves back to the present and when you’re in the present everything changes.  Try a guided meditation app if that helps.  I have an Alexa at home so in the morning and evening I ask it to play a guided meditation for me. It’s a great way to start and end my day.

I’ve found all those cute canvas prints about love, positivity and spiritually and I placed them strategically in my home where I see them on a regular – in my bathroom wall opposite my mirror, right on my nightstand, in the kitchen next to the coffee area.  These are just great reminders and act as daily affirmations to set up your day for success!

Lastly, pray.  I know, I know.  If anyone knows me I am not necessarily a religious person so this may come as a shock.  But honestly I pray all day long.  I give thanks, I express gratitude, I send blessings to everyone I meet, and I pray every single night.  Prayer is grounding and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve finally stopped questioning the Universe and God.  Because they always deliver.

Spring is a time for renewal and rebirth – I hope some of these tips help and hopefully you can share some I didn’t mention with me.

Happy Spring cleaning!  Thanks for stopping by.

LolaUncorked♥

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