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A Letter To All Cheaters

Hi My Loves! Happy Fall Equinox or whatever!  It has been some time since I’ve been here but I was just really trying to enjoy the last days of summer.  Already missing summer even though it seems that Mother Nature is loving me and giving me a little bit more.

The end of my #summerbabe summer 2019

So I’ve been thinking about cheating.  Those who cheat and those who are cheated on.  And I am not talking about a school exam.  Relationships folks! Relationships!

Disclaimer: Don’t automatically assume this is a male bashing session.  It’s not.  We all know men are not the only ones who cheat, even though it seems they are the ones who get caught the most often (dumbasses) and so therefore it seems they are the ones who cheat the most, but who knows.  I’d have to gather some data on that one.  At the end of the day we are all capable of cheating.

I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum- cheater (not my proudest moment) and cheatee (I made this word up and for the purposes of this blog the cheatee is the person being cheated on.) And I guess the person who you cheated with we will just call…. the home wrecker? IDK).  Anyway, after a most recent experience coupled with my journaling, self-reflecting and conversations with others I have really been mentally trying to dissect and process cheating and its effects on those involved.

And so you guys remember my Letter To My Younger Self? Well I’ve decided to write a letter to cheaters everywhere in the hopes that they can receive some clarity on the damage that is left behind when the cheating dust settles.  Here goes:

Dear Cheater,

I am not sure what you were thinking of the moment you made the conscious decision to cheat.  And yes it was a conscious decision.  Most cheaters will in their apology say things like “I’m sorry I made a mistake.” The reality is that cheating is cheatingNOT a mistake.  It is a conscious decision.  There are those 2.5 seconds right before you cross that line when you could have said “No!!!”  Like “Say no to drugs” well “Say no to pussy!” Especially the one that isn’t yours.

I have been trying to understand why you decided to step out on your relationship in this way.  I mean I know people cheat for a slew of reasons: stress at home or work, boredom, not enough sex, lack of spontaneity or just a basic disconnect in the relationship because nobody is addressing it.  And of course I also know Dear Cheater that you just may be one of those people who likes to cheat. And that’s a whole other blog.

An affair feels exciting, stimulating, stirring,  breathtaking!!! It boosts peoples’ self esteem and strokes the ego.   Being with someone new, someone you’re not fighting with, or dealing with the kids with, or paying bills with or just dealing with plain old life issues with is so much better than the reality of adulting.

I know an affair makes people feel young, and beautiful and sexy and in your quest to charm and entice you dress up, wear cologne/perfume, send sexy messages, you court.  It’s fucking exhilarating!!! Shit. I know. (BTW but did it ever occur to you to try that with your significant other BEFORE resorting to cheating??! Just a thought)

But Dear Cheater, let me tell you all the other things it can be and usually becomes and let me give you a little insight into what it does to the cheatee.

When an affair comes to light the ugly in people emerges.  The crazy too! Drama follows.  People’s business is put out there. Threats and humiliation. Not so pretty anymore huh? Tears and fights, lengthy texts or calls spewing every hateful word that comes to mind because as humans thats what we do when we are hurt.  We want to hurt others back.  In the case of an affair nobody is spared, not you,  not the cheatee and not the home wrecker because as much as I hate to say it they feel the effects too.

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Dr. Robert Huizenga

The moment the  cheatee suspects or discovers the infidelity, this tiny seed is planted in their gut.  This seed of so many emotions.  Too many to list. The first is embarrassment and/or shame.  Yeah! Can you believe that shit?  You cheated but the cheatee feels the shame and just thinks of things like “What am I going to say to people when they ask for him or her? “What did I do wrong?”

There is also lots of anger in this initial phase. Like the cheatee will threaten everything from burning the cheaters clothes, slashing tires, physically hurting them.  (THIS IS JUST A BLOG I WOULD NOT TRY ANY OF THIS AT HOME!)

The second emotion is disbelief.  Like “WOW!” No way.  There has to be a mistake! He or she would NEVER do that!   The cheatee will spend days and nights replaying every single exchange in the relationship to figure out when, how, why?  Why becomes the single most important question. They try to look for clues or signs to see if they missed something.  This will keep them from eating, sleeping, and/or wanting to be around others.

Then comes the obsessive stage or investigative as I’d rather call it.  LOL !!! And I don’t care if your male or female all cheatees do this to some extent.  The cheatee will NOT stop until they know EVERYTHING.  Now quick insert- women are way better at this then men!  Just saying. When a woman sets her mind to find some shit out, you’d best believe she will!  In this phase they hurt so bad that you will surely not see any signs – like tears. It’s a weird thing.  I am thinking this is where the cheatee starts to process that yes it really did happen and the life they thought they were living or the future they envisioned …. wasn’t going to happen.

Soon after the hurt settles.  An ache.  More questioning.   This is probably around the time that the cheatee will find themselves crying out of nowhere.  They may be retelling the story and it evokes such strong emotions they may cry at any instant.  They will think about the intertwined friendships and families, the “place” that became yours and now what?  Maybe kids if they were involved too and having to explain to the kids that the “cheater” is no longer a part of the family – delicately of course because it’s not their fault.  This is the hardest and longest stage to process and grow through in case you didn’t know. cheating3.jpg

Eventually, the cheatee will maybe get over it, surpress it all and get on with their life and you the cheater will become a distant memory.  (Once in while and in very rare occasions a cheater and cheatee will work through things and after many, many years of rebuilding and work they may come out stronger.  May being the key word!!!

So Dear Cheater, the next time you are in a relationship in which you have made a commitment to be truthful, transparent, and loyal and you find yourself at a point of making that 2.5 split decision of cheating or not, remember the damage you are leaving behind lasts for far longer and run far deeper that those 2.5 seconds.

And in the end was it really worth it?

Love,

Cheatee

dont cheat

Thank you for stopping by and reading.  If you’ve been cheated on it’s not your fault.  It was their shit and not yours. And if you have cheated, learn and grow, be better, be truthful, be transparent.

Remember to like, comment, share and sign up for notifications.

LolaUncorked♥

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Be Careful What You Wish For

Hi, My Loves ∼ So apparently, sometimes you really do have to be careful what you wish for. It’s like people who want to be in a relationship and then get it and then it’s like ugh!? But why?

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Or you want a baby and then you get one and it’s like “WTF was I thinking? This is a lot of work”.

Or a “dream” job that turns out to be a complete nightmare because of an asshole boss.
Listen, I am not saying you shouldn’t wish or desire things, just be careful and be sure that YOU really want what you’re wishing for.  Make sure it isn’t for stupid reasons like all your friends are in relationships, or everyone is having a baby, or look at that influencer’s life seems great and easy, when in reality that’s just social media.  You get my point right?

Anyway, a friend of a friend of a friend shared a story about a couple. I’m going to change names (actually this happened so long ago, I really don’t remember the participants’ names, so I’ll make them up). Her name is Maria and his name is John. Simple.

DISCLAIMER: This is a friend of a friend of a friend, and I heard this story last summer and jotted it down as a possible blog but other blogs came before. With that said, some of it may be embellished or made up from memory but you guys will get it. The story itself is not the point though.

Anyway, John and Maria have been married for a while, have kids, go to work, have friends and family, vacations, etc.

Maria was feeling a little bored with the relationship.  You know the usual humdrum that happens when the passion fades and people have to grow up and adult as a couple. Handle a home, bills, work, etc.

Maria broached the conversation with John a few times. They tried to figure out different ways to spice things up. She was sure John must be suffering the same ailment. From what I gathered I don’t think he was at this point, but her proposition must have sparked something in him.

She proposed that they try a sort of open relationship, they could both see/sleep with others, the only rule being they didn’t let it intrude in their home and family life. So don’t be seen out in public with the other person, set boundaries for communicating, use protection.

Well, John was completely offended and taken off guard and was like “ABSOLUTELY, NO WAY, NO HOW!” They had a couple more conversations trying to negotiate, but John was not for it.

Instead what John did some time later was that he took it upon himself and embarked on an affair and he got caught. And she was NOT happy about it. At all! Threatened separation, divorce, etc.

Now, now!! You all are thinking well she wanted them to see others, right? At least it’s what ran through my mind. Why is she so upset? I also wondered why did he go and cheat when the when the idea of an open relationship was so off the table for him?

Well, I have my thoughts. Selfishness and ego. Men are selfish creatures. Men also have HUGE egos. I am thinking that when Maria approached him with the idea of an open relationship, his initial thoughts went something like:

“Why? Am I not enough?”
“What’s wrong with me” “Why do you need another man?”
“Am I not good enough in bed?

(And I could be wrong, as I am not a man-so men correct me please.)

Anyway, Maria was so offended, mortified, hurt, broken. She demanded that they go to therapy to rebuild the trust and relationship.

Wait, wait, wait, but wasn’t it Maria who approached John with the idea initially? Why was she now so indignant and repulsed by what John did when this was what she wanted?

Just playing devil’s advocate here.devil

As a woman, I completely KNOW why she was so upset.

He didn’t agree to it initially. He was adamant about not wanting to share. His love for her was so great, according to him, that he was afraid an open relationship would open them up to issues of mistrust.

But then he went and cheated.

What are your thoughts? Is Maria right in her reaction? What about John? Why do you guys think he cheated when he was so against the idea of an open relationship?

How about this question: Is monogamy sensible? Reasonable? Attainable? Well we know it’s attainable but can anyone be monogamous for years and years and years and still feel passion and excitement for their partner?

I have many thoughts about monogamy we can talk about in another post, but I will say this like most things in life relationships take work, daily, consistent, present work. And couples need to understand that needs change, during your 20s, your 30s and so on.

To believe that what satisfied you in your 20s, could satisfy you in your 30s or 40s is simple minded. Now is this to say you should cheat? That is not what I am saying.

I think every relationship is unique and different and can only be negotiated and or navigated by the people involved. With that said couples at the very least need to engage in conversations about their needs and wants and expectations on a consistent basis.

Can we maybe step back and think what might have happened instead, had John been willing and open to renegotiate the marriage? Maybe not an open relationship but perhaps giving Maria an alternative. Rather than shutting down to the idea completely and shutting down the conversation.

I don’t know what happened to John and Maria, but what happened got me thinking. It got me thinking about relationships, how to sustain them, and stay in passion. healthy relationship

But all that aside, be careful what you wish for, because the very thing you want can be the thing that bites you in the butt!

Thanks for stopping by!

LolaUncorked♥

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I can’t believe I have to blog about funeral etiquette…SMH!

Hey My Loves ∼

I have so many drafts of blogs to finish and post- BUT I had to come on here to address death and wake/funeral etiquette.  Because apparently in this day and age of technology and social media many have lost all common sense.

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We recently lost a very much loved member of our family.  It was one of those expected, unexpected things.  And at almost 50, dealing with death, wakes and funerals is no easier than it was in my teens, 20s or 30s.

What I have noticed however is that the way people grieve coupled with techonological access equates to such an unbelievable disrespect and disregard for the dead and their families that it compelled me to write this blog.

Listen, I think that technology has so many advantages and has opened endless possibilities for networking, entrepreneurial success, and solving crimes and just spreading information.  I mean, I myself can’t remember life before all this access can’t imagine life without it.  Though the idea of disconnecting for a month sounds heavenly.

But in the midst of all these technological gains, we have also suffered many losses – common sense and sensitivity.   We have become so desensitized to real live human interactions that we don’t even know how to act when someone passes.

I get that we all grieve and suffer the loss of a loved one differently.  Some people maydeath1 cry uncontrollably for days on end, others may not show any emotion and people may think they are insensitive and yet others may have a need to inundate themselves in work and mundane tasks in an effort to not deal.  Everyone grieves differently, but I am going to remind some of you of things NOT to do at a wake or funeral.

This list was compiled as a result of a conversation I had with my family about the things we observed over this past week while making arrangements.

And as you guys know I love lists – it just helps me organize myself.  So here goes – things NOT to do at a wake or funeral.

  1. When a family is grieving and planning for their loved ones services, do NOT impose your thoughts, practices, or opinions into the arrangements of the deceased UNLESS you’re planning on paying for the services. Like who else would know a father or mother better or more, than their own kids. You can’t force your ideals or practices from the past on today. Just, just, be still and offer comfort in silence.
  2. The wake, especially, is a time to sit in reverence, remember, cry, and support. The receiving line is your time to offer some words of comfort, a hug or a handshake and done. This is NOT the time to ask the family what happened. How did it happen? or to offer words like, “Oh but he was so young.” or “Maybe if he or she had done this or that.” Like really?
  3. This one is huge! The Biggest! The Most Important! DO NOT TAKE OUT YOUR
    cell phone at funeral
    Like really, I googled cell phones and funerals and I can NOT believe what I found….

    PHONES.  If you  have to make a call, step out.  If you have to give someone information about the services.  Do NOT Snap or post IG Live videos, do NOT take selfies or group pictures next to the casket or anywhere for that matter.  Do NOT, please do NOT video tape people at the wake, who are crying and grieving. Do NOT video tape the funeral mass and please do NOT video tape the lowering of the casket!!! (Someone did at the funeral site and I kept wishing they would drop their phone in the grave. SMH!)

  4. Common sense folks!  I don’t care if you ask the family.  Actually don’t even ask the family. These people are in mourning, they are sad and upset, they are probably exhausted from the planning and visits and crying.  Just don’t do it.  It’s disrespectful to the people who are there honoring a life gone. Not to mention to the deceased.
  5. This is a funny one and actually happened.  LOL. But should be addressed.  Make sure if you go up to someone, a family member you haven’t seen in a while, that before you start sobbing on their shoulder they know who you are.  AWKWARD!
  6. And if you’re that person that someone goes up to sobbing uncontrollably and you don’t remember who they are because maybe you haven’t seen them in decades, don’t look around at the crowd with a stunned look on your face and hands out like “Who the hell is this?” Play it off, please and ask questions later.
  7. And lastly, but I am sure not least, after the services are done and the family has said their goodbyes remember they have been going through the process long before you heard about the person passing, especially if the person had suffered a long illness.  So when it’s over the family needs time to sit, pray, cry, remember and  be alone.  Don’t show up at their house unexpectedly.  Don’t get upset if your calls or texts go unreturned.  Just let them be.  Let them absorb it all.  Let them be quiet.  Let them be still. Let them mourn.

Watching some of the above, actually occur left me perturbed and kind of sad   We can’t even go to a wake and sit in reverence and pray for the deceased and that’s a shame.

Here are some websites on funeral etiquette if you’d like to do further reading: https://www.frazerconsultants.com/2017/11/funeral-etiquette-cell-phone-use-at-funerals/, and www.funeralwise.com/etiquette/. Apparently I am not the only person out there who feels people need a common sense refresher.

We will profoundly miss our Moises.  What an honor it has been knowing him and becoming family.  He leaves behind a legacy that we all hope to live up to.

moisesandme
In loving memory of Moises Santos

Thanks for reading lovies! Remember to like, follow, comment and share! See you soon!

LolaUncorked♥