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Living intentionally in this new year, new decade…

Hey Loves!  Happy New Year! Happy New Decade!!!  I have to tell you that I am glad the holidays are over!  ABSOLUTELY exhausted.  Don’t get me wrong, I had a great time off.  Spent with family and friends.  Ate too much! Drank too much! Slept not enough. LOL. But blessed to have the time to share with my loved ones.

Now that I slowed down a bit, I wanted to come on here and address the “new year, new me” syndrome. Because that’s all we are going to see on social media until about mid February when everyone falls off the wagon.

But seriously what exactly is wrong with the “old” you.  I mean are you that bad?!?! Are WE that bad? And what compels us to make all these ridiculous resolutions in the new year. Resolutions that aren’t going to stick because they are just unrealistic and overwhelming.

I didn’t make resolutions this year, because I really want to think intentionally about what I’d like to accomplish.  I am pondering some bigger picture sort of stuff.  Not the usual lose 10 pounds, workout everyday twice a day, give up liquor, sugar AND carbs kind of resolutions, journal and meditate every day, get up at 5! I mean I am exhausted just thinking about it.

They are just silly and resolutions like those set us up for IMMEDIATE failure.  And so I’ve been taking my time to really think about attainable goals or intentions (as I like to  call them) that have meaning and that will have a positive impact on the three areas of my life : health, spirituality and finances!  Not because there is anything wrong with the old me but because there is always room for improvement, right?

I’ve also been thinking about the reasons why we fail at goals and why intentions are more impactful and the ways  we can stay committed, maintain and sustain our work.

I found this explanation of the difference between goals and intentions:

Goals are focused on the future. Intentions are in the present moment. Goals are a destination or specific achievement. Intentions are lived each day, independent of achieving the goal or destination. Author Unknown /Google

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Isn’t that great!?!  This is why so many of us give up on long term goals.  The minute we fail at it or fall off the wagon, we give up completely.  For example, if my goal is to lose 10 pounds by going to gym and eating healthy, the minute I miss a day or two at gym for whatever reason, what happens?  Ya’ll know.   We use it to beat ourselves up and come up with a bunch of excuses as to the point?  We give up.  I know I do.  Then I may tell myself forget the healthy eating because what’s the point I am not working out. And just like that goals go “poof”!!!

Intentions are different.  Intentions or living intentionally focuses our vision and our thoughts towards an action.  When we set intentions the self talk is different.  The self talk could sound more like:  powerofintention

“Today I intend to do one thing towards being healthy – take a walk at lunchtime. (For example).  If for some reason I miss my walk at lunch time, I could say to myself, “Ok I missed lunch but today when I go the supermarket, I intend to park as far away as possible from entrance.”

Or here is another one: “Today I intend to smile at everyone I meet.” It could be that as I walk into the building, the guy who cut me has left a scowl on my face and I barely say good morning.  Then someone will smile at me, I smile back and remember my intention.  I still have bunch of people I can smile at, maybe someone who really needed it that day.  It doesn’t feel as “ugh” as failing at my goal and completely giving up.  Tomorrow I can wake and set intentions all over again.

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The more you do something, the more innate it becomes therefore becoming a habit. The more intentions you meet or fulfill the more thought you put into reflecting what it is you want to see flourish within you that is going to get you a step closer to your overall goal. We know it takes 21-28 days to create habits. And intentions can change and still guide you to where you want to go.

So with all that in mind I am reflecting on this past year and of where I’d like to see myself grow in this new year and then setting daily intentions to create those life long habits that will hep me reach those goals.

Here are some quick ways to get those intentions into your day:

  1. I keep a dry erase board next to my calendar that I see each morning on the way to bathroom.  I jot down three quick intentions for my morning. Smile at everyone I meet, give a compliment.  Drink two bottled waters before I leave home.
  2. At work I jot down some intentions on post its (am and pm).
  3. I also use my desk calendar to jot intentions.
  4. As I drive home I think of some intentions for my evening (share a meal with my daughter, work out for 30 minutes (wherever that my be), meditate before bed.

As you kick off this new year and new decade, sit in silence and really think about how you want to grow yourself. Always remembering that there is nothing wrong or broken with the “old” you but that there is always room for better.

I really wish you all a healthy, abundant and intentional new year!

Happy New Year!

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LolaUncorked♥

 

 

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Get out of your own way!

Hi My loves!  It has been so long since I’ve been on here. But I’m back to school and also transitioning to a new job, redecorating apartment.  Anywayssssss, I have been thinking a lot about this idea of self-sabotaging behavior.   sabotagequote

As much as I haven’t wanted to see it, even after years of therapy I have come to the conclusion that I am a professional self-sabotager – AND I need more therapy!!!! LOL. Someone call the doctor!!!

I hear my friends complain all the time (and I chime in) about a perfectly great job or relationship.  About Not making enough money, etc. But they complain almost with relish! This is how the online dictionary defines self-sabotage

Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems and interferes with long-standing goals. The most common self-sabotaging behaviors are procrastinationself-medication with drugs or alcohol, comfort eating, and forms of self-injury such as cutting.

This is concise and to the point, however, we all know there are endless ways in which we self-sabotage.   We self-sabotage our relationships, our jobs, our diets, our future goals. Why???

I can come up with several reasons for each of these, but I am going to focus on relationships for now.  Way more fun! How many times have you heard people make some of the following statements when it comes to dating or relationships?-

  • I am meant to be alone.
  • I don’t mind ending up alone.
  • Who wants to put up with someone else’s bad habits.
  • I am too old for this shit.
  • I am just waiting for red flags.
  • I’ve already been married and divorced, who wants to go through that shit again.
  • There are no good men or women out there.

These are only a few of the comments I hear from my girlfriends and that I myself have let slip through these lips.

Self-sabotaging our relationships is how we protect ourselves and our hearts.  When my last relationship ended, I told myself I would NEVER get serious about anyone again. I would live with them, much less get married! I would never give someone that much power over my emotions.  NEVER!  selfsabotage3.png

I wrapped myself up quite tightly in my circle of friends, family, shopping, eating, drinking, the gym, and a part-time job.  I had no time TO date, let alone get serious.  This was exactly how I liked it. 

When I did date, I subconsciously or consciously (depends on the day) chose unavailable men who were in complicated situations.  This did two things for me.  It validated the idea that there are no good men or women out there. The minute I felt anyone getting close, or wanting more, I was like BOY BYE!

Why do we self-sabotage??? For many reasons.

We self-sabotage because we feel unworthy and undeserving of all wonderful things, whether it’s a great job, relationship or financial abundance.

If we feel unworthy how can we open ourselves up to believing that we are good enough to receive a great partner.  We believe if we let someone get too close, they will see all our glorious imperfections and run the other way.  And guess what?  They may.  But that only means he or she wasn’t the one.  That you weren’t compatible, not that you weren’t worthy.

We self sabotage because we are afraid of being dumped.  selfsabotage2

If there is one thing we can’t deal with is rejection.  We take someone’s rejection so personal.  Could it be possible that the other person just wasn’t ready for a relationship? Or that perhaps they just had their own stuff they were dealing with? 

When someone rejects us it doesn’t mean we are unlovable, it just means, they weren’t ready to love anyone and that perhaps they felt unworthy themselves.

We self sabotage because we like drama!! This is huge.

When we are not fulfilled with our lives, maybe a boring job, or no social life, we like to create drama. 

Sometimes we just want a little excitement or we want to push buttons to try to get assurance or confirmation that he or she is really into us.

Here’s a great scenario and I am sooooo guilty of this (I have to laugh..LOL)

Me: (I text him): Hey.

Him: 

Him:

(5 minutes later)

Me: You ok?

Him:

Me: (Fuck this shit! Then I proceed to type some of these or all of these depending on the level of self sabotaging I am going for) You know what? I am not into playing games.  If you want to play games go right ahead. But I am too old for that shit.  I need consistency. Go play with your little bimbos. Don’t ever text me again.

Him: I was at a funeral.

Me: (cricket, cricket, cricket)

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These memes, tho! LOL!

Now tell me who hasn’t done this ↑? More than once? Twice? Repeatedly? We are all guilty of this. 

Right away our brain goes into defensive mode. He’s probably with someone else.  Which means he’s not into me. Which means, I knew it. Which means, let me cut him off before he cuts me off. Sheesh!  I would dump me too after one of those scenarios.

We selfsabotage because in todays age of technology IT IS SO MUCH easier to do.  Cell phones and social media support and enhance our self sabotaging ways.  

We say and post things on social media and through texting that we probably would never say face to face.  It’s quick, it’s instant and it’s cowardly.

How do we stop this behavior? 

These are only suggestions understanding that these are practices that with repeated implementation will be become habits!

  • Love and accept yourself.  Just as you are. With all your flaws and imperfections love yourself, because if you don’t love yourself, how can anyone else?
  • Remind yourself every day that you are worthy and that it‘s okay to mess up.  We all do we just have to recognize the mistake and do better next time. Grow from the mistake.
  • Know that there is enough of everything to go around.  Enough good men and women who want loving healthy relationships, enough money to give us financial security, enough great jobs so we can find THE ONE! lifetip
  • And finally, THIS IS SO IMPORTANT, give yourself a 10 minute time out before you react or say things that you will probably regret.  I find that after 10 minutes I am no longer upset about whatever assumptions I made up in my head about why someone is not returning my text. Put the phone away and take a nap or read a magazine, or even my blog. LOL.  Then go back and construct a kinder softer message, kind of like, “Hey not sure where you are, but I hope all is good.  Text me when you can.”

Listen, in theory this all sounds so easy.  It may strike a nerve for some and for others give rise to a chuckle, but the reality is that we all deserve to be in a loving, healthy relationship if that’s what we really desire.  And when one falls apart, it means nothing more than, it wasn’t time.  Your time will come.  Our time will come.

Thanks for stopping by my loves!  Happy Friday!

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♥LolaUncorked