Image

Remember, this too shall pass…I promise

Hi, My loves,

I hope this new blog post finds you all safe and healthy.  Oh, what a time to be alive, right?  Who would have thought?  ♥

So, recently I’ve been at my wits end trying to figure out how else to fill my time these days.  Some days I am really good at it and others not so much.  Some days I am up and at it, early, tackling every task on my list.  And other days, I just lay on couch and watch endless hours of TV, and eat, and nap.

This week was a struggle trying to think about what I wanted to write because quite frankly I am a little tired of addressing COVID19.  There are so many conflicting news reports that I am just tired. And it seems at this moment, that this is going to be the rest of our lives. Right?

The other day I decided to purge one more bin of paperwork, as if I haven’t purged enough and I found a bin full of journals and essays and writings going back about 20 years ago.   Crazy right?

I started to read through some of it and I came across something I wanted to share with you that I wrote during a pretty low time in my life.   I know am not alone when I tell you that as a teen and young adult, I struggled with depression.  It followed me into my adulthood, but it wasn’t something I really knew how to articulate.  It wasn’t something that was spoken about or even understood.  But I have spent years going to therapy on and off to deal with general life issues.  drepession1

Anyway, I was at a really low point in my life when I wrote this.  I was feeling restless as you will read after having reunited with my husband after a three-year separation.  I was confused and had this overwhelming sense of feeling like I just didn’t belong in the life I was living.

It didn’t have a title, so I am just going to share with you….

“I don’t know how I got to this – sitting in a motel that fits the perfect description of “seedy”.  Come to think of it seedy might be too good of a word considering the dingy, faded yellow brocade comforter, the veneer TV stand that reminded me of something in my mother’s house growing up, and the carpet that had the ever so slight smell of mold mixed with disinfectant.  I keep picturing an undercover operation and narcs busting through the door and me getting arrested for prostitution just because I am here.  It’s that sort of place.  But in my sadness and desperation to just get away, I just drove and drove and I ended up here. Tears in eyes, a heaviness in my chest and pen in hand.

I keep trying to retrace my steps – you know, how I ended up here, at this point in my life.  How did I end up in this place, this motel, this sadness, this drunkenness, this dark hole that is threatening to swallow me whole? 

I mean not too long ago I was living my life – the day to day mundane – going through the motions; being a wife, a mom, working and going to school.  Hosting get togethers, writing research papers, cleaning and cooking and putting on a happy face.  It was a routine that was all too familiar, so familiar, I could probably get through my days with my eyes closed.  At times complacent, at other times overwhelming, but always routine.

I knew what to expect, all day every day.  Speak when spoken to, pay bills, clean up when needed, have sex at least once a week, show the right amount of affection and reaction to not let on that I was barely awake.  When I went out in public, I smiled and showed enough interest to keep the speaker talking about what I thought was an endless list of nothing. And tried really hard not to let the sadness, the depression take over me. lizgilbert1

At night, when everything gets quiet and all I hear is the sound of the cars driving by, I lay there and think about my life and try to thank God for everything I have, my children, my loving family, my health and home, food and clothing -you know all the things I am supposed to be grateful for. 

But once in a while in the midst of all those jumbled thoughts, in those quiet seconds in between wakefulness and drifting off to sleep, I’d make a wish.  I’d wish that maybe tomorrow I’d wake up in somebody else’s shoes.  I’d wish that maybe tomorrow I couldn’t carry the burden of so many people’s happiness.  I’d wish that maybe tomorrow I wouldn’t wake up.   I’d lay there with my eyes tightly closed. 

When I went back to school, I swore it was to get an education, you know, so I could be a role model for my girls.  I sacrificed many nights with my kids, school activities, or just down time at home.  And though I loved school, I sometimes think, that I don’t know, subconsciously I used it as an escape from my everyday life.  My escape from a life that at that moment didn’t feel like it quite fit; an escape at a time that I wasn’t even sure what I was escaping.  It’s funny I never realized how our psyche knows just what we need when we need it. 

My husband and I have been back together for five years now after a brief separation.  Five years ago, it seemed the right thing to do.  Get back together and raise our kids. Yet tonight I am not so sure.  Again. Somewhere along the way the reasons I fought so hard for, to get my marriage back, became blurry, not so clear, other people’s reasons, not mine.  Making my mother and in laws happy.  My daughter’s happy.  But I feel suffocated and I feel like I am drowning.

As I sit here writing, I wonder how many other women feel this way.  Feel as if all the choices they’ve made weren’t really for themselves. Feel guilty for changing their minds, not feeling the same.  Feel as if they are living a double life? You know the type – on the outside we seem to be leading a perfect life; happily married with great kids, a beautiful home and fulfilling career. 

Sometimes I look at my married friends and wonder, “Are they as happy as they seem?”  “Is this what they envisioned for themselves when they were little?”  “Is this what they daydreamed about; being married with kids with a white picket fence?”

I think it’s funny because for a long time I thought that was a Latina thing, you know, being raised to believe that marriage was the end all be all.  But, as I expanded my circle of friends, I realized that most, if not all little girls are brought up to want the “happily ever after” back then.  It seemed that even if we achieved everything – a house, a great career, nice car – if we didn’t have a man, well there was just something wrong with us.

I mean that’s the way it was with me, even though mom raised me on her own and sent all these implicit messages about being strong and independent, she still made sure to plug in there, as often as possible, that without a man I wasn’t enough.  In not those exact words.  But you know what I mean.

Even though she did it on her own.  Immigrated to a new country, woke at the crack of dawn to commute to work, sometimes worked two jobs, and sometimes brought work home from one of those to finish.  She purchased her own home, her own car, we always had what we needed and wanted. And STILL, she kept insisting and instilling in me to be a good woman so I could get a good man.  (Insert thinking emoji here).

Why didn’t she find a man? I mean why did she choose to struggle on her own?  Struggle she did.

Here I am writing this, feeling guilty because I don’t think I want the husband or white picket fence anymore. I feel overwhelmed and scared. I feel antsy.  I know my mother only wants what’s best for me, as all mothers want for their kids.

But how could she teach me all those lessons about independence and being in control, taking care of myself, and not giving in to a man’s demands and yet make me feel that if I walk away, I won’t be enough.

And now I feel this restlessness, this agitation tugging at my insides, this  restlessnessrebellion.  I hate the fact that I don’t feel satisfied with what my mother said would be enough.  Or that I have what so many other women wish for. I mean what more can I ASK FOR?  I scream this out loud forgetting I am in this motel room.

I don’t know how I ended up in this dingy, seedy motel room, but I know that for now I need to go home, and be a wife, a mother, a caretaker. 

I don’t know how long these feelings will last or if I will just give into this oppressive heaviness in my heart.  But I do need to go home.  And tomorrow…well…who knows what will happen tomorrow.  Like God tells Liz Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love, “Go to sleep, Liz.  Go to sleep.”

After reading this, I started to reflect on how back when I wrote this piece, I never thought, those feelings would pass.  I never thought life would get better.  I never thought I would feel better.  I remember feelings of complete and utter helplessness.

I eventually did get divorced even though he was a great guy.  We co parented our girls, who are adults themselves now with lives of their own.  I went to therapy.  Still go to therapy, because at times I feel that overwhelming sense of sadness, for other reasons in my life.  I was in a couple other relationships after that, built a great circle of friends, worked in a career for years.

What I learned after reading this is that all things pass.  Time is the one sure thing that is guaranteed to keep going.  And though way back then sitting in that dingy motel room, I couldn’t see past that moment, fifteen years later here I am.  Lots of questions answered, some still linger, but I am still here.  Wiser and older.

For all those of you everywhere who get “stuck”, depressed, sad, overwhelmed, remember with the right support, this too shall pass.

thistooshallpass2

Stay safe and healthy!

LolaUncorked♥

Image

Is sexting considered cheating? Yay or nay….

sexting2

Hey my loves!

I was talking to a friend who was recently cheated on.  Again.

He had begged and pleaded for her to take him back. Apologized. Sent flowers.  Talked to her friends.  Acknowledged that he had demons and issues and promised he would work on them.

She swallowed her pride.  Put her ego aside.  Recognized that everyone makes mistakes herself included and decided to make it work.  She recognized that to make it work she would have to work at rebuilding the trust again. No snooping.  No throwing the indiscretion in his face, every time she felt insecure.

They began to rebuild the relationship.  And everything was great.  Of course, this was all happening during the holidays – which is after all the most wonderful time of the year.  LOL. Things were going great and they were finally talking about taking the relationship to the next level – living together.

And then one day, she caught him again.  This time it was sexting.  Yes. She snooped.  Considering the extent and drama around the first infidelity, she did pretty good snooping just twice.  Anyway, he says it was only sexting.  He hadn’t seen her or hooked up with her.  He was just talking “shit?”  What?  Huh?

But I mean isn’t sexting the same as cheating.  I mean please enlighten me.  And did he not have sex with her because he got caught?  What was the purpose for the sexting? What is the end goal? Isn’t it to get hot and heavy and then have sex?

Let’s talk about sexting.

Sexting defined is to send (someone) sexually explicit photographs or messages via mobile phone. (“older teens are more likely to engage in sexting than their younger counterparts”)

Read that again, “older teens?”  not grown adults apparently.  Hmmm.

“Sexting is actually most likely to occur within a committed relationship.”

“Now that Melissa had evidence, her husband immediately changed his tune: I don’t know why I do these things. I love you. He didn’t think he’d done anything wrong, because he’d had no physical contact with the other woman. But for Melissa, it didn’t matter whether he’d actually followed through with his graphic messages. He’d still lost her trust. She decided to file for divorce, a process she’s still going through today. Melissa said the text messages were what drove her to dissolve the marriage.”

https://.huffpost.com/entry/sexting-cheating_n_6185288

“Sexting becomes adultery when one person in the relationship does it without consent from a partner and without concern for how he or she will feel about it. Concealing a relationship outside of the primary one means that lying and hiding are involved, and at the moment, there is very little, if any, regard for how the other person will feel about that outside relationship. The lying and secrecy associated online affairs will destroy a couple’s trust and commitment. Trust is sacred in any relationship, and once that trust is broken, it is hard to repair.”

http://netaddiction.com/is-cybersex-cheating/

Why do people sext? Well the internet listed many reasons.  This guy told his girl that whenever she left him alone he felt lonely—- um ok. Most people feel lonely and they read a book, watch tv, go out and meet friends.  Nope.  Not this guy.  He sexts or cheats.  SMDH!!!

People sex out of boredom, loneliness, curiosity, the excitement of doing it and not getting caught, or even possibly getting caught and the drama that comes with that.  A need to feel desired and wanted.  And sometimes plain ‘ole “sin vergüenzeria” that’s Spanish basically for no shame in his/her game.  Just don’t give a fuck!

And this is all well and good if both parties are aware of it, but when it involves lying, it takes on a whole other meaning – cheating.  And of course it means different things to the parties involved.  For the person that catches it, it is hurtful.  For the person doing it it might mean nothing at all.  Like this guy.  “I was just talking BS”.  “I was bored”.  “It doesn’t mean anything”.

He says he wasn’t cheating, but I get to differ. Especially coming on the heels of the first incident.

So is sexting cheating?  I say yes.  You all can chime in. l say anything that is done without your partner’s consent or something you would not be okay with having your partner do- whether it’s just words or illicit pictures is cheating.

If you have to hide it, it’s cheating.  If you have to go out of your way to put your phone on airplane mode, delete messages, give fake names to contacts, it’s cheating.  Anythingsexting  that you would not be okay with your partner doing is cheating. Because if a sexter was okay with their partner sexting then that’s a conversation that needs to be had and understood.

Listen everyone gets bored. Everyone gets lonely at times.  Everyone loves the excitement of a new relationship.  People love the thrill of sneaking around and or even getting caught.  Some people LOVE THE THRILL!!!

But the question is at what expense?  Is it even worth it?  Is it worth the pain that is caused.  The extended relationships that are broken.  Having people take sides.

And if you’re looking to fill some hole in the relationship then maybe they are not the one.

Or how about this why don’t you sext with your partner?  Build excitement.  Keep things spicy and avoid all the fall out of a relationship ending. Over something so fucking stupid.

I don’t know, I’m just saying that before you hit send ask yourself is it worth it?

And to my friend I said if he’s dumbass enough to get caught again, do you really want him?

Thanks for stopping by loves.  Don’t forget to like, comment, follow and share!  Tell me your thoughts?

sexting3
Gotta laugh sometimes.

LolaUncorked♥

Image

Go with the ebbs and flows….

Hi, My Loves∼

Wow!  We are in December!!!  What the beejuz!!!  Why is time whizzing by so fast??  I mean why is that? July went by so nice and smooth and well paced. Then bam! I was . half way through August.  And here I am nearing the end of 2019!  Crazy.

So today we are talking relationships and boy what a convoluted yet can be simple topic, right??? Anyway, a while ago I asked some people to complete a survey for me because I had some relationship “stuff” percolating.  As you guys know I have no problem coming on here and putting it out there.

Not many of you responded to the anonymous survey, guess ya was too skeeerrddd (LOL) to put your stuff out there, but I had at least 10 of you respond in a very honest and open way.

I asked questions like:

  1. How long have you been with your partner?”
  2. How often do you have sex?
  3. Who initiates mostly?
  4. On a scale of 1-10 what’s the level of passion in the relationship?
  5. What are your thoughts on open relationships?

And here’s what I concluded from my very small sample.   And yea, I don’t care if it was a small sample, but I’ve had enough conversations with many others that gave me ideas. So let’s get to it! relationship5.jpg

I’ve been divorced for a hot minute and have had two serious relationships in the last 10 years.

As I’ve gotten older dating has become increasingly difficult because as we age we get very set in our ways.  If you spend enough time alone, that becomes the “normal.”

It seems that as much as we want “balance” in a relationship. It’s difficult to come by.  It’s either all or nothing.  It’s either they are all in or playing games.  There is always someone in the relationship who wants more, needs more, loves more.  And as much as some of you may think that’s a bad thing.  I think if you can come to some sort of agreement things can turn out better than you imagine, but you have to be wiling and open to renegotiating the relationship.  You can’t expect that your relationship will maintain the level of intensity it had throughout years and years.  relationship3.jpg

I told someone “take your relationships as learning experience” and they were offended.  They took it as meaning that they were an experiment or guinea pig and nothing else good came of it but a learning experience.  Weird.  Like why?  If we don’t learn from our relationships how are we supposed to learn about ourselves, how we interact, grow and do better next time around?

At the end of the day, people differently in relationships.  Relationships ebb and flows.

Yet our society bombards us with this idea that relationships always have to be on this all time “HIGH” – ALL THE TIME. And quite frankly the mere thought of that exhausts me.

Some people believe that if the level of intensity experienced at the beginning of a relationship doesn’t maintain then it means there is something wrong in the relationship. relationship6.jpg

In my most recent relationship this was an issue.  I am not an overly affectionate person.  I never have been.  Even with my own kids, it’s just not part of my DNA- to be touchy feely and hoochi coochie.  But it doesn’t mean my love is any less.  It just means I express it differently.

It just means that as I progress through a relationship, I go through different stages.  Sometimes I am all time high, sometimes I am sucked into real life  – work, bills, stress, self questioning, insecurity.  Sometimes I want to be babied and coddled.  Other times I want complete solitude to regroup and come back stronger.

But always learning and growing.  So here are some things I have learned:

  1. People express love differently
  2. For some people love is expressed through affection and words of affirmations. For others love expressed through acts of labor – taking out garbage, fixing things at home. For others its expressed through touch and sex. Everyone’s expression of love is different and it’s ok.
  3. Any relationship is a bonus to a person’s self growth and discovery
  4. And finally sex is not always going to be amazing, out of this world, star spangled banner, fireworks invoking kind of sex.  If your having that type of sex all the time, every time, like 4-5 times a week, then you must be an escort, you’re cheating or faking it.  Sorry not sorry.  I am just saying.

It is what it is.

Your goal should be that you are willing to have conversations about needs and find middle ground.  Being aware and in tuned to your partners wants and needs.  Finding balance so that neither feels they are putting in more than the other.  Sometimes all this works and you have a great streak and flow.  ebbsandflows

And other times you fall into a rut.  You get stuck.  You become stagnant.  Try not to live in that space too long.  Do something fun and exciting with your partner.  Dress up. Dress down. Go on a date night.  Stay in. Whatever it takes to get things moving. Relationships take WORK and EFFORT.

At least if you think its worth it anyway.

Thanks for stopping by lovies!

 

Don’t forget to like, comment, follow and share!

♥LolaUncorked

Image

What an a-Maine-zing trip should look like….

Hi My Loves∼

Back from my road trip to Maine and let me tell you I am exhausted! To say the least.  I have never laughed so hard (IN MY LIFE) as I did on this road trip.

onthe road
On the road

Now remember I am the person who told you to go travel solo because of the spiritual experience that could be.  (Check out my blog post on that).  But on the flip side,  if you get the right mix of travelers, a trip with friends can be just as rewarding and quite therapeutic.

Just imagine five of us in a Land Rover on the road behaving like we were teenagers.  What a blast!!  Even some road trip karaoke went down.

img_4406
Our AirBnB

 

Our Airbnb was cute, charming and quaint.   Carolyn, our host greeted us, gave us a quick tour, and stocked our fridge with some local beer and wine.

She also gave us a very clear warning to not make a right out of the Airbnb when exploring (there is a homeless shelter surrounded by addicts and beggars). Clearly she didn’t know we are from P-town!

First thing we did the next morning – Make a Right!  Thanks to our tour guide Carol. LOL.

org_dsc02193
The beginning of the end…. LOL (L to R – Anita, Me, Mio, Carol… my besties minus one)

 

We spent most of Saturday exploring downtown or Old Port.  Our first stop though was a neighborhood bar called “Fore Play”.  Yes! “Fore Play”.  Here we met an amazing bartender named…. I can’t remember….and some locals who embraced us and $1 jello shots…the beginning of the end.

With a little buzz we headed for a walk, laughing, talking over each other, and fighting about where to eat.

I am not going to go into all the gory details but I will list the spots we visited which were a hit for us.

  1. Fore Play Sports Bar – $1 jello shots.
    img_4254
    Calling for help after one too many jello shots at Fore Play!
  2. High Roller Lobster Company – this place had a Johnny Rockets feel, good grub and an extensive selection of beer. Yum! www.highrollerlobster.com. We had some drinks and snacks here because we were really craving a good ole burger.
  3. We headed over to Black Cow Burgers and Fries www.blackcowburgers.com  right down the street. The food in this place was amazing.  I can’t say enough.  And the ambiance was pretty awesome too.  I didn’t say this, but we got really really lucky with the weather as prior to this Anita, our weather woman, kept predicting really cold temperatures and rain.  However look at these pics, nothing but sun for our girl’s trip!
  4. And finally I had my lobster at Jay’s Oyster www.ysoysterportland.com. 
    img_4387
    Nom. Nom.
  5. volunteered to drive (someone else’s car…LOL) and I wanted lobster from Maine.  Let me tell you the lobster has to be by far the best I’ve had (even better than the one I had in Playa del Carmen some time ago). Yes! and the lobster bisque soup I heard was also pretty tasty.  Everything was delicious.

Now I have a confession for you: By the time we got to Jay’s, we were all pretty lit after all our day drinking so dinner was just a riot.  Seriously.  I have a video of it all, but unfortunately was experiencing technical difficulties uploading.  Sorry.

As our night rounded out we walked to a bar/lounge- but I was pretty done and three of us headed back to our apartment while the other two lit up the town.

Sunday consisted of sleeping in, packing and getting ready to hit the road.  And then we realized it was CINCO DE MAYO!!!!  I think you can see how that went.

crossing street
Love me a cobble stone street.

Anyway, why travel in a pack?  I’ve known most of these women for over 20 years, so we could say they are the longest running friendships I have. Clearly we share a lot in common, but we are all so different.  

Jennie is the comedian, like Jim Carey in The Mask funny face comedian.  Anita is a sports mom with 10 bebe’s kids, jk, but comedian too and drives like a maniac!

Carol is in a period rediscovering herself and we are watching as she evolves into this better version of herself.

Mio we found out is a damn cry baby!  This is the chick who is so unbothered by anything and everything I always say she would never die of a heart attack.

And then there’s me, I mean, sensitive, emotional, non-confrontational, upside-twerking-against-a-wall because it’s the only way I know how to do it.

The five of us together = never a dull moment!

img_4264
The best friends a girl could ask for!

I know what I learned from this trip is that I love and respect these women and what each of them bring to the table.  I love how each love me unconditionally without judgement.  I love how much we can laugh together and I love how easily I can cry in front of them.  I love our journey as we have become comfortable in our own skin.

I foresee many more road trips ahead.  Many more good times, many more laughs and many more cries and many more adventures.  I wish you all a friendship like this.

Next road trip—————–> Stay tuned!

door
See you on the road.

Thank you for stopping by!

LolaUncorked ♥