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Go with the ebbs and flows….

Hi, My Loves∼

Wow!  We are in December!!!  What the beejuz!!!  Why is time whizzing by so fast??  I mean why is that? July went by so nice and smooth and well paced. Then bam! I was . half way through August.  And here I am nearing the end of 2019!  Crazy.

So today we are talking relationships and boy what a convoluted yet can be simple topic, right??? Anyway, a while ago I asked some people to complete a survey for me because I had some relationship “stuff” percolating.  As you guys know I have no problem coming on here and putting it out there.

Not many of you responded to the anonymous survey, guess ya was too skeeerrddd (LOL) to put your stuff out there, but I had at least 10 of you respond in a very honest and open way.

I asked questions like:

  1. How long have you been with your partner?”
  2. How often do you have sex?
  3. Who initiates mostly?
  4. On a scale of 1-10 what’s the level of passion in the relationship?
  5. What are your thoughts on open relationships?

And here’s what I concluded from my very small sample.   And yea, I don’t care if it was a small sample, but I’ve had enough conversations with many others that gave me ideas. So let’s get to it! relationship5.jpg

I’ve been divorced for a hot minute and have had two serious relationships in the last 10 years.

As I’ve gotten older dating has become increasingly difficult because as we age we get very set in our ways.  If you spend enough time alone, that becomes the “normal.”

It seems that as much as we want “balance” in a relationship. It’s difficult to come by.  It’s either all or nothing.  It’s either they are all in or playing games.  There is always someone in the relationship who wants more, needs more, loves more.  And as much as some of you may think that’s a bad thing.  I think if you can come to some sort of agreement things can turn out better than you imagine, but you have to be wiling and open to renegotiating the relationship.  You can’t expect that your relationship will maintain the level of intensity it had throughout years and years.  relationship3.jpg

I told someone “take your relationships as learning experience” and they were offended.  They took it as meaning that they were an experiment or guinea pig and nothing else good came of it but a learning experience.  Weird.  Like why?  If we don’t learn from our relationships how are we supposed to learn about ourselves, how we interact, grow and do better next time around?

At the end of the day, people differently in relationships.  Relationships ebb and flows.

Yet our society bombards us with this idea that relationships always have to be on this all time “HIGH” – ALL THE TIME. And quite frankly the mere thought of that exhausts me.

Some people believe that if the level of intensity experienced at the beginning of a relationship doesn’t maintain then it means there is something wrong in the relationship. relationship6.jpg

In my most recent relationship this was an issue.  I am not an overly affectionate person.  I never have been.  Even with my own kids, it’s just not part of my DNA- to be touchy feely and hoochi coochie.  But it doesn’t mean my love is any less.  It just means I express it differently.

It just means that as I progress through a relationship, I go through different stages.  Sometimes I am all time high, sometimes I am sucked into real life  – work, bills, stress, self questioning, insecurity.  Sometimes I want to be babied and coddled.  Other times I want complete solitude to regroup and come back stronger.

But always learning and growing.  So here are some things I have learned:

  1. People express love differently
  2. For some people love is expressed through affection and words of affirmations. For others love expressed through acts of labor – taking out garbage, fixing things at home. For others its expressed through touch and sex. Everyone’s expression of love is different and it’s ok.
  3. Any relationship is a bonus to a person’s self growth and discovery
  4. And finally sex is not always going to be amazing, out of this world, star spangled banner, fireworks invoking kind of sex.  If your having that type of sex all the time, every time, like 4-5 times a week, then you must be an escort, you’re cheating or faking it.  Sorry not sorry.  I am just saying.

It is what it is.

Your goal should be that you are willing to have conversations about needs and find middle ground.  Being aware and in tuned to your partners wants and needs.  Finding balance so that neither feels they are putting in more than the other.  Sometimes all this works and you have a great streak and flow.  ebbsandflows

And other times you fall into a rut.  You get stuck.  You become stagnant.  Try not to live in that space too long.  Do something fun and exciting with your partner.  Dress up. Dress down. Go on a date night.  Stay in. Whatever it takes to get things moving. Relationships take WORK and EFFORT.

At least if you think its worth it anyway.

Thanks for stopping by lovies!

 

Don’t forget to like, comment, follow and share!

♥LolaUncorked

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You can’t buy happiness, but you can definitely buy books…

Hi, My Loves!

Let me tell you here is something magical about finding a quaint little bookstore in the middle of the hustle and bustle of a city.  A place you can slip into and escape the outside noise.  That’s not exactly what happened to me, but close enough.  I found this treasure on a quiet side street in Montclair (NJ).

If any of you know Montclair, have visited, worked, or lived in Montclair (or still do) you know that Montclair is known for its chic little boutiques, bougie international eateries, yoga studios and cozy cafes.  It’s a mini NYC right in our very own backyard.   https://www.montclairnjusa.org/

We weren’t looking for a bookstore.  We meaning myself, my photographer, Geraldine and her assistant.  We were just looking for a location to shoot some photos for my blog when we happened upon the Watchung Booksellers, a cute bookstore near the train station.   https://www.watchungbooksellers.com/.   

I literally felt like Dorothy arriving in Oz or Cinderella at the ball.  Watchung Booksellers has got to be the cutest little gem I’ve come across in a long time.  It was like a three scoop sundae with all the toppings! Want to know what the cherry on top was? Well, even if you don’t I will tell you anyway.   

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Look at that smile….books stores feel like home to me…

As I walked in absorbing the wooden shelves, rows of books and cozy reading areas, I turned to my left and to my wandering eyes what should I see?

A little cafe – Da Pepo.  Complete with chalkboard announcing “Wait to be seated”, wine glasses for BYOB, farm-style grey washed tables where you could partake of paninis and things. 

I wanted to squeal like a kid on Christmas morning!  We immediately took over the cafe, after ordering three coffees and asking for permission to shoot some photos, of course.

We were having a ton of fun and just loved the space, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the bookstore next door.  I had peeped a wooden stepladder through the connecting doorway and I really, really, really wanted some photos on it!  I kept thinking Carrie Bradshaw with my cute french beret.

I finally asked an employee if we could take photos.  I explained that I am a blogger who blogs about a little bit of everything and I loved their space and really wanted pictures.  She referred me to a younger girl who I guess is in charge of social media.  She asked about my blog, agreed to the photos and asked that I tag her so they can follow me. Oh! She also asked for my blog site so they could follow it! Winning!  

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Books, books, and more books!

Look I know we have bookstores like Barnes and Noble and they serve their purpose, but it’s so big and bright and formal.  This book store was small and quaint and familiar.

Now let me back up a second.  I wasn’t planning on writing about this bookshop – it really was just a prop.  But something stirred in me as I walked around, posed, touched and smelled books.  A long hidden memory was tickling the edges of my mind.

And then I suddenly remembered a bookstore I used to frequent  (no let me rephrase that – nearly lived in ) back in Passaic where I grew up.  I can’t remember but I believe it was just called the Passaic Bookstore.  It was located at the end of Main street.  I remember spending hours a day several times a day after school in there as a depressed and angry teen.  LOL!

I would get lost picking up books, touching them, browsing, reading the first few pages trying to decide if it was worth the 75 cents it cost (clearance shelf).  And there was so much clutter!!!  Heavenly clutter! Every wall was lined with books, aisles had baskets filled with books and little tables piled high with more,  nooks and crannies where you could hide and get lost in.  

I remembered  that when I was no more than 15 or 16, I told myself I wanted to own a little bookstore when I grew up.  

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Cozy cafe attached to the bookstore…Da Pepo…Go check them out…they literally had a soft opening the day before the shoot..

I wanted something that felt like someone’s living room with dark wooden shelves, comfy plush seats, the smell of coffee brewing in the background mingled with the smell of old pages in a book. 

I haven’t held a book and read in a long time.  I used to read 3 or 4 books a month growing up.  Now I listen to 1 -2 books a year on Audible because I am always running around.  I have to say it’s not the same half-listening to a book while waiting to order coffee at the drive thru.

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Books are like heaven to me!!

I didn’t buy any books that day as much as I wanted to, but something about that bookstore stirred a long dormant love of books.  I don’t know if I will ever own my own bookstore, but I will definitely be going back to the little community bookstore in Montclair because if I can walk into a space that brings me as much joy as it did that’s a place I need to frequent more often.

Thanks for stopping by lovies! PC|geri_1221   http://www.geritorres.com/

P.S. Here a list of some of my favorite books EVERRRR! (I hope you share yours with me too!)

  1. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
  2. The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway
  3. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
  4. Pillars of the Earth . by Ken Follet
  5. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald (of Course!)
  6. Passing by Nella Larsen (A MUST READ!)
  7. One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Marquez
  8. Counte of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas
  9. Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf
  10. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

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♥LolaUncorked