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Is sexting considered cheating? Yay or nay….

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Hey my loves!

I was talking to a friend who was recently cheated on.  Again.

He had begged and pleaded for her to take him back. Apologized. Sent flowers.  Talked to her friends.  Acknowledged that he had demons and issues and promised he would work on them.

She swallowed her pride.  Put her ego aside.  Recognized that everyone makes mistakes herself included and decided to make it work.  She recognized that to make it work she would have to work at rebuilding the trust again. No snooping.  No throwing the indiscretion in his face, every time she felt insecure.

They began to rebuild the relationship.  And everything was great.  Of course, this was all happening during the holidays – which is after all the most wonderful time of the year.  LOL. Things were going great and they were finally talking about taking the relationship to the next level – living together.

And then one day, she caught him again.  This time it was sexting.  Yes. She snooped.  Considering the extent and drama around the first infidelity, she did pretty good snooping just twice.  Anyway, he says it was only sexting.  He hadn’t seen her or hooked up with her.  He was just talking “shit?”  What?  Huh?

But I mean isn’t sexting the same as cheating.  I mean please enlighten me.  And did he not have sex with her because he got caught?  What was the purpose for the sexting? What is the end goal? Isn’t it to get hot and heavy and then have sex?

Let’s talk about sexting.

Sexting defined is to send (someone) sexually explicit photographs or messages via mobile phone. (“older teens are more likely to engage in sexting than their younger counterparts”)

Read that again, “older teens?”  not grown adults apparently.  Hmmm.

“Sexting is actually most likely to occur within a committed relationship.”

“Now that Melissa had evidence, her husband immediately changed his tune: I don’t know why I do these things. I love you. He didn’t think he’d done anything wrong, because he’d had no physical contact with the other woman. But for Melissa, it didn’t matter whether he’d actually followed through with his graphic messages. He’d still lost her trust. She decided to file for divorce, a process she’s still going through today. Melissa said the text messages were what drove her to dissolve the marriage.”

https://.huffpost.com/entry/sexting-cheating_n_6185288

“Sexting becomes adultery when one person in the relationship does it without consent from a partner and without concern for how he or she will feel about it. Concealing a relationship outside of the primary one means that lying and hiding are involved, and at the moment, there is very little, if any, regard for how the other person will feel about that outside relationship. The lying and secrecy associated online affairs will destroy a couple’s trust and commitment. Trust is sacred in any relationship, and once that trust is broken, it is hard to repair.”

http://netaddiction.com/is-cybersex-cheating/

Why do people sext? Well the internet listed many reasons.  This guy told his girl that whenever she left him alone he felt lonely—- um ok. Most people feel lonely and they read a book, watch tv, go out and meet friends.  Nope.  Not this guy.  He sexts or cheats.  SMDH!!!

People sex out of boredom, loneliness, curiosity, the excitement of doing it and not getting caught, or even possibly getting caught and the drama that comes with that.  A need to feel desired and wanted.  And sometimes plain ‘ole “sin vergüenzeria” that’s Spanish basically for no shame in his/her game.  Just don’t give a fuck!

And this is all well and good if both parties are aware of it, but when it involves lying, it takes on a whole other meaning – cheating.  And of course it means different things to the parties involved.  For the person that catches it, it is hurtful.  For the person doing it it might mean nothing at all.  Like this guy.  “I was just talking BS”.  “I was bored”.  “It doesn’t mean anything”.

He says he wasn’t cheating, but I get to differ. Especially coming on the heels of the first incident.

So is sexting cheating?  I say yes.  You all can chime in. l say anything that is done without your partner’s consent or something you would not be okay with having your partner do- whether it’s just words or illicit pictures is cheating.

If you have to hide it, it’s cheating.  If you have to go out of your way to put your phone on airplane mode, delete messages, give fake names to contacts, it’s cheating.  Anythingsexting  that you would not be okay with your partner doing is cheating. Because if a sexter was okay with their partner sexting then that’s a conversation that needs to be had and understood.

Listen everyone gets bored. Everyone gets lonely at times.  Everyone loves the excitement of a new relationship.  People love the thrill of sneaking around and or even getting caught.  Some people LOVE THE THRILL!!!

But the question is at what expense?  Is it even worth it?  Is it worth the pain that is caused.  The extended relationships that are broken.  Having people take sides.

And if you’re looking to fill some hole in the relationship then maybe they are not the one.

Or how about this why don’t you sext with your partner?  Build excitement.  Keep things spicy and avoid all the fall out of a relationship ending. Over something so fucking stupid.

I don’t know, I’m just saying that before you hit send ask yourself is it worth it?

And to my friend I said if he’s dumbass enough to get caught again, do you really want him?

Thanks for stopping by loves.  Don’t forget to like, comment, follow and share!  Tell me your thoughts?

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Gotta laugh sometimes.

LolaUncorked♥

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A Letter To All Cheaters

Hi My Loves! Happy Fall Equinox or whatever!  It has been some time since I’ve been here but I was just really trying to enjoy the last days of summer.  Already missing summer even though it seems that Mother Nature is loving me and giving me a little bit more.

The end of my #summerbabe summer 2019

So I’ve been thinking about cheating.  Those who cheat and those who are cheated on.  And I am not talking about a school exam.  Relationships folks! Relationships!

Disclaimer: Don’t automatically assume this is a male bashing session.  It’s not.  We all know men are not the only ones who cheat, even though it seems they are the ones who get caught the most often (dumbasses) and so therefore it seems they are the ones who cheat the most, but who knows.  I’d have to gather some data on that one.  At the end of the day we are all capable of cheating.

I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum- cheater (not my proudest moment) and cheatee (I made this word up and for the purposes of this blog the cheatee is the person being cheated on.) And I guess the person who you cheated with we will just call…. the home wrecker? IDK).  Anyway, after a most recent experience coupled with my journaling, self-reflecting and conversations with others I have really been mentally trying to dissect and process cheating and its effects on those involved.

And so you guys remember my Letter To My Younger Self? Well I’ve decided to write a letter to cheaters everywhere in the hopes that they can receive some clarity on the damage that is left behind when the cheating dust settles.  Here goes:

Dear Cheater,

I am not sure what you were thinking of the moment you made the conscious decision to cheat.  And yes it was a conscious decision.  Most cheaters will in their apology say things like “I’m sorry I made a mistake.” The reality is that cheating is cheatingNOT a mistake.  It is a conscious decision.  There are those 2.5 seconds right before you cross that line when you could have said “No!!!”  Like “Say no to drugs” well “Say no to pussy!” Especially the one that isn’t yours.

I have been trying to understand why you decided to step out on your relationship in this way.  I mean I know people cheat for a slew of reasons: stress at home or work, boredom, not enough sex, lack of spontaneity or just a basic disconnect in the relationship because nobody is addressing it.  And of course I also know Dear Cheater that you just may be one of those people who likes to cheat. And that’s a whole other blog.

An affair feels exciting, stimulating, stirring,  breathtaking!!! It boosts peoples’ self esteem and strokes the ego.   Being with someone new, someone you’re not fighting with, or dealing with the kids with, or paying bills with or just dealing with plain old life issues with is so much better than the reality of adulting.

I know an affair makes people feel young, and beautiful and sexy and in your quest to charm and entice you dress up, wear cologne/perfume, send sexy messages, you court.  It’s fucking exhilarating!!! Shit. I know. (BTW but did it ever occur to you to try that with your significant other BEFORE resorting to cheating??! Just a thought)

But Dear Cheater, let me tell you all the other things it can be and usually becomes and let me give you a little insight into what it does to the cheatee.

When an affair comes to light the ugly in people emerges.  The crazy too! Drama follows.  People’s business is put out there. Threats and humiliation. Not so pretty anymore huh? Tears and fights, lengthy texts or calls spewing every hateful word that comes to mind because as humans thats what we do when we are hurt.  We want to hurt others back.  In the case of an affair nobody is spared, not you,  not the cheatee and not the home wrecker because as much as I hate to say it they feel the effects too.

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Dr. Robert Huizenga

The moment the  cheatee suspects or discovers the infidelity, this tiny seed is planted in their gut.  This seed of so many emotions.  Too many to list. The first is embarrassment and/or shame.  Yeah! Can you believe that shit?  You cheated but the cheatee feels the shame and just thinks of things like “What am I going to say to people when they ask for him or her? “What did I do wrong?”

There is also lots of anger in this initial phase. Like the cheatee will threaten everything from burning the cheaters clothes, slashing tires, physically hurting them.  (THIS IS JUST A BLOG I WOULD NOT TRY ANY OF THIS AT HOME!)

The second emotion is disbelief.  Like “WOW!” No way.  There has to be a mistake! He or she would NEVER do that!   The cheatee will spend days and nights replaying every single exchange in the relationship to figure out when, how, why?  Why becomes the single most important question. They try to look for clues or signs to see if they missed something.  This will keep them from eating, sleeping, and/or wanting to be around others.

Then comes the obsessive stage or investigative as I’d rather call it.  LOL !!! And I don’t care if your male or female all cheatees do this to some extent.  The cheatee will NOT stop until they know EVERYTHING.  Now quick insert- women are way better at this then men!  Just saying. When a woman sets her mind to find some shit out, you’d best believe she will!  In this phase they hurt so bad that you will surely not see any signs – like tears. It’s a weird thing.  I am thinking this is where the cheatee starts to process that yes it really did happen and the life they thought they were living or the future they envisioned …. wasn’t going to happen.

Soon after the hurt settles.  An ache.  More questioning.   This is probably around the time that the cheatee will find themselves crying out of nowhere.  They may be retelling the story and it evokes such strong emotions they may cry at any instant.  They will think about the intertwined friendships and families, the “place” that became yours and now what?  Maybe kids if they were involved too and having to explain to the kids that the “cheater” is no longer a part of the family – delicately of course because it’s not their fault.  This is the hardest and longest stage to process and grow through in case you didn’t know. cheating3.jpg

Eventually, the cheatee will maybe get over it, surpress it all and get on with their life and you the cheater will become a distant memory.  (Once in while and in very rare occasions a cheater and cheatee will work through things and after many, many years of rebuilding and work they may come out stronger.  May being the key word!!!

So Dear Cheater, the next time you are in a relationship in which you have made a commitment to be truthful, transparent, and loyal and you find yourself at a point of making that 2.5 split decision of cheating or not, remember the damage you are leaving behind lasts for far longer and run far deeper that those 2.5 seconds.

And in the end was it really worth it?

Love,

Cheatee

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Thank you for stopping by and reading.  If you’ve been cheated on it’s not your fault.  It was their shit and not yours. And if you have cheated, learn and grow, be better, be truthful, be transparent.

Remember to like, comment, share and sign up for notifications.

LolaUncorked♥

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Go with the ebbs and flows….

Hi, My Loves∼

Wow!  We are in December!!!  What the beejuz!!!  Why is time whizzing by so fast??  I mean why is that? July went by so nice and smooth and well paced. Then bam! I was . half way through August.  And here I am nearing the end of 2019!  Crazy.

So today we are talking relationships and boy what a convoluted yet can be simple topic, right??? Anyway, a while ago I asked some people to complete a survey for me because I had some relationship “stuff” percolating.  As you guys know I have no problem coming on here and putting it out there.

Not many of you responded to the anonymous survey, guess ya was too skeeerrddd (LOL) to put your stuff out there, but I had at least 10 of you respond in a very honest and open way.

I asked questions like:

  1. How long have you been with your partner?”
  2. How often do you have sex?
  3. Who initiates mostly?
  4. On a scale of 1-10 what’s the level of passion in the relationship?
  5. What are your thoughts on open relationships?

And here’s what I concluded from my very small sample.   And yea, I don’t care if it was a small sample, but I’ve had enough conversations with many others that gave me ideas. So let’s get to it! relationship5.jpg

I’ve been divorced for a hot minute and have had two serious relationships in the last 10 years.

As I’ve gotten older dating has become increasingly difficult because as we age we get very set in our ways.  If you spend enough time alone, that becomes the “normal.”

It seems that as much as we want “balance” in a relationship. It’s difficult to come by.  It’s either all or nothing.  It’s either they are all in or playing games.  There is always someone in the relationship who wants more, needs more, loves more.  And as much as some of you may think that’s a bad thing.  I think if you can come to some sort of agreement things can turn out better than you imagine, but you have to be wiling and open to renegotiating the relationship.  You can’t expect that your relationship will maintain the level of intensity it had throughout years and years.  relationship3.jpg

I told someone “take your relationships as learning experience” and they were offended.  They took it as meaning that they were an experiment or guinea pig and nothing else good came of it but a learning experience.  Weird.  Like why?  If we don’t learn from our relationships how are we supposed to learn about ourselves, how we interact, grow and do better next time around?

At the end of the day, people differently in relationships.  Relationships ebb and flows.

Yet our society bombards us with this idea that relationships always have to be on this all time “HIGH” – ALL THE TIME. And quite frankly the mere thought of that exhausts me.

Some people believe that if the level of intensity experienced at the beginning of a relationship doesn’t maintain then it means there is something wrong in the relationship. relationship6.jpg

In my most recent relationship this was an issue.  I am not an overly affectionate person.  I never have been.  Even with my own kids, it’s just not part of my DNA- to be touchy feely and hoochi coochie.  But it doesn’t mean my love is any less.  It just means I express it differently.

It just means that as I progress through a relationship, I go through different stages.  Sometimes I am all time high, sometimes I am sucked into real life  – work, bills, stress, self questioning, insecurity.  Sometimes I want to be babied and coddled.  Other times I want complete solitude to regroup and come back stronger.

But always learning and growing.  So here are some things I have learned:

  1. People express love differently
  2. For some people love is expressed through affection and words of affirmations. For others love expressed through acts of labor – taking out garbage, fixing things at home. For others its expressed through touch and sex. Everyone’s expression of love is different and it’s ok.
  3. Any relationship is a bonus to a person’s self growth and discovery
  4. And finally sex is not always going to be amazing, out of this world, star spangled banner, fireworks invoking kind of sex.  If your having that type of sex all the time, every time, like 4-5 times a week, then you must be an escort, you’re cheating or faking it.  Sorry not sorry.  I am just saying.

It is what it is.

Your goal should be that you are willing to have conversations about needs and find middle ground.  Being aware and in tuned to your partners wants and needs.  Finding balance so that neither feels they are putting in more than the other.  Sometimes all this works and you have a great streak and flow.  ebbsandflows

And other times you fall into a rut.  You get stuck.  You become stagnant.  Try not to live in that space too long.  Do something fun and exciting with your partner.  Dress up. Dress down. Go on a date night.  Stay in. Whatever it takes to get things moving. Relationships take WORK and EFFORT.

At least if you think its worth it anyway.

Thanks for stopping by lovies!

 

Don’t forget to like, comment, follow and share!

♥LolaUncorked

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50 Things I Want To Do In My 50s

old-ageHi, My Loves∼

So as you all know I am turning 50 in about a week.  That’s a big one. It actually seems surreal.

You know how people often say, “Oh you don’t look like you’re 30, 40 or 50!” Like what exactly does any age look like? I am not sure what 50 should look or feel like.  I guess it feels exactly how I feel right now.

And I feel pretty awesome.  In a great place.  I love my job.  I have an amazing family.  A nice circle of friends.  I have health most importantly, but I feel like, and maybe some of you guy feel same- I feel like there are so many things I haven’t done. So I have compiled a list of things I want to do this year, experiences I want to have, places I want to go.

I’ve been really thinking about things I’ve always wanted to do and have not done yet. So in commemoration of my blogs one year anniversary – here is my list of  50 things I want to do in my 50s. (And these are not in any particular order of importance.)

  1. Do more yoga. Like aside from the physical I would like to know yoga with my yogaspirit.
  2. Go to Maine and eat lobster.
  3. Move to a nicer, bigger place. Maybe even become a homeowner.
  4. Skydive, though I don’t know if I’ll actually do it.
  5. Go to Europe, I’ve never been.
  6. Blog more.  At least once a week. Really grow my blog and hopefully do some influencing.
  7. Write. Start writing that book. About what? I’m not sure yet.
  8. Probably take some writing lessons in order to write that book.
  9. Run a marathon.
  10. Sell at least 5 homes this year.
  11. Go visit Graceland. I am a huge Elvis fan.
  12. Become debt free.
  13. Go on a family vacation with my girls and grandkids – something as simple as the shore.
  14. Volunteer more.
  15. Take a road trip cross country.
  16. Meditate more.
  17. Create a meditating space at home.
  18. Find a Buddhist temple near me and engage in some learning.
  19. Read more books- hard copies!
  20. Spend more time with my mom. Create some kind of a tradition/ritual with her.
  21. Journal EVERYDAY.
  22. Write a letter to Oprah. Don’t ask. Hopefully get a response.

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    Self-care is most important in my 50s.
  23. More self-care things like monthly massages and/or facials.
  24. Grow my hair and possibly let it gray naturally.
  25. Declutter. Really live minimally.
  26. See my dad more often.
  27. Learn some basic photography.
  28. Start a Vlog
  29. Send birthday cards to people instead of a social media post.
  30. Work out at least 5 times a week
  31. Move away from Facebook.
  32. Speak more Spanish to my grandbabies.
  33. Maybe learn another language – I love Portuguese, BUT I know some Italian, sooo maybe.
  34. Apply to be on a game show – I’ve done this several times (never made it) – the freaking application for Wheel of Fortune is insane.
  35. Play in the rain/mud.
  36. Spend more time down the shore
  37. Live a healthier lifestyle overall
  38. Learn how to swim finally!
  39. Quit drinking alcohol.
  40. Go parasailing.
  41. Take tango lessons.
  42. Create a daily practice of journaling, meditating, exercising, and eating healthy.
  43. Be kinder to people – smile more (guilty of RBF). LOL!
  44. Build my family tree (I did my DNA and it was sooo interesting).
  45. Go ziplining again – IT was amazing.
  46. Visit an ashram.
  47. Visit more bookstores.
  48. Celebrate NYE on an island somewhere.

Isn’t this list amazing?  Now listen, clearly I can’t do all of this in ONE year, but you best believe I am starting.

I will reflect on this list throughout this year and make sure I am making moves to check off these 50 items off my bucket list in my 50s.

What’s on your list of things to do?  You don’t have to wait until your 30, 40 or 50 to start your list and to start checking off those things that stir your soul.

Life is so short and in my almost 50 years, I’ve seen how quickly a life is snuffed out whether to disease or accident.  I have been blessed thus far and I’ve done a lot, but there is more I want to do and plan to do!

Someone I knew once said, “Don’t wait for another day or another hour or another time.  Go and Do It. Now” – Kyrzayda –

So just watch me guys!  Here’s to 50!

Happy birthday to me!

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Cheers to me!

Thanks for stopping by and reading.  Make sure to like, comment, share and follow!

LolaUncorked♥

 

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Be Careful What You Wish For

Hi, My Loves ∼ So apparently, sometimes you really do have to be careful what you wish for. It’s like people who want to be in a relationship and then get it and then it’s like ugh!? But why?

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Or you want a baby and then you get one and it’s like “WTF was I thinking? This is a lot of work”.

Or a “dream” job that turns out to be a complete nightmare because of an asshole boss.
Listen, I am not saying you shouldn’t wish or desire things, just be careful and be sure that YOU really want what you’re wishing for.  Make sure it isn’t for stupid reasons like all your friends are in relationships, or everyone is having a baby, or look at that influencer’s life seems great and easy, when in reality that’s just social media.  You get my point right?

Anyway, a friend of a friend of a friend shared a story about a couple. I’m going to change names (actually this happened so long ago, I really don’t remember the participants’ names, so I’ll make them up). Her name is Maria and his name is John. Simple.

DISCLAIMER: This is a friend of a friend of a friend, and I heard this story last summer and jotted it down as a possible blog but other blogs came before. With that said, some of it may be embellished or made up from memory but you guys will get it. The story itself is not the point though.

Anyway, John and Maria have been married for a while, have kids, go to work, have friends and family, vacations, etc.

Maria was feeling a little bored with the relationship.  You know the usual humdrum that happens when the passion fades and people have to grow up and adult as a couple. Handle a home, bills, work, etc.

Maria broached the conversation with John a few times. They tried to figure out different ways to spice things up. She was sure John must be suffering the same ailment. From what I gathered I don’t think he was at this point, but her proposition must have sparked something in him.

She proposed that they try a sort of open relationship, they could both see/sleep with others, the only rule being they didn’t let it intrude in their home and family life. So don’t be seen out in public with the other person, set boundaries for communicating, use protection.

Well, John was completely offended and taken off guard and was like “ABSOLUTELY, NO WAY, NO HOW!” They had a couple more conversations trying to negotiate, but John was not for it.

Instead what John did some time later was that he took it upon himself and embarked on an affair and he got caught. And she was NOT happy about it. At all! Threatened separation, divorce, etc.

Now, now!! You all are thinking well she wanted them to see others, right? At least it’s what ran through my mind. Why is she so upset? I also wondered why did he go and cheat when the when the idea of an open relationship was so off the table for him?

Well, I have my thoughts. Selfishness and ego. Men are selfish creatures. Men also have HUGE egos. I am thinking that when Maria approached him with the idea of an open relationship, his initial thoughts went something like:

“Why? Am I not enough?”
“What’s wrong with me” “Why do you need another man?”
“Am I not good enough in bed?

(And I could be wrong, as I am not a man-so men correct me please.)

Anyway, Maria was so offended, mortified, hurt, broken. She demanded that they go to therapy to rebuild the trust and relationship.

Wait, wait, wait, but wasn’t it Maria who approached John with the idea initially? Why was she now so indignant and repulsed by what John did when this was what she wanted?

Just playing devil’s advocate here.devil

As a woman, I completely KNOW why she was so upset.

He didn’t agree to it initially. He was adamant about not wanting to share. His love for her was so great, according to him, that he was afraid an open relationship would open them up to issues of mistrust.

But then he went and cheated.

What are your thoughts? Is Maria right in her reaction? What about John? Why do you guys think he cheated when he was so against the idea of an open relationship?

How about this question: Is monogamy sensible? Reasonable? Attainable? Well we know it’s attainable but can anyone be monogamous for years and years and years and still feel passion and excitement for their partner?

I have many thoughts about monogamy we can talk about in another post, but I will say this like most things in life relationships take work, daily, consistent, present work. And couples need to understand that needs change, during your 20s, your 30s and so on.

To believe that what satisfied you in your 20s, could satisfy you in your 30s or 40s is simple minded. Now is this to say you should cheat? That is not what I am saying.

I think every relationship is unique and different and can only be negotiated and or navigated by the people involved. With that said couples at the very least need to engage in conversations about their needs and wants and expectations on a consistent basis.

Can we maybe step back and think what might have happened instead, had John been willing and open to renegotiate the marriage? Maybe not an open relationship but perhaps giving Maria an alternative. Rather than shutting down to the idea completely and shutting down the conversation.

I don’t know what happened to John and Maria, but what happened got me thinking. It got me thinking about relationships, how to sustain them, and stay in passion. healthy relationship

But all that aside, be careful what you wish for, because the very thing you want can be the thing that bites you in the butt!

Thanks for stopping by!

LolaUncorked♥